Truthful Tuesday - No Truth About It

The thing about my life right now is that I can't really talk about my life right now. Sigh deeply.

I started to write a blog entry then realized I can't talk about that stuff right now. Then I started to write another blog entry and realized I can't talk about that either.

Seriously frustrating as I often use my blog as a means of thinking things out and expressing my thoughts and feelings. Hmmm.... If you are interested, email me and I may be able to tell you personally.

Truthful Tuesday - Restrooms

Some of Chicago's best skyline views are from garage rooftops (Home Depot on Halsted, Best Buy on Roosevelt), and restrooms (Hancock Building). Case in point, here is the view from the ladies' restroom at Roosevelt Collection's ICON movie theater.

Truthful Tuesday - Pregnancy

This past fall, my period was late. I didn't think much of it. It is no secret that J is sterile. On top of that, we didn't want God to suddenly 'bless' us with a child when I was in my 40's so J got fixed about 4 years ago. 

We knew we only wanted 2 children. We knew we could be good parents to 2 children and comfortably support 2 children. We did not want 3 children. 

We did not want God to get all wrapped up in the latest war raging in the Middle East and forget we don't want more kids then suddenly look at us and go "Oh, let me bless Widney Woman and J with a baby." Thus the extreme measure in J getting a vasectomy.

One morning, without knowing I was late, J said: "I had a dream you were pregnant and that it was MY baby!" For the record, I've chosen not to be offended by his shock that it was 'HIS' baby - like there could be a different father.

Couple years ago, a friend asked what I would do if I were pregnant. 

My response?

"Get a divorce. It wouldn't be my husband's child."

And so the seed (no pun intended) of pregnancy was planted in my mind. I waited yet another week. At this time, my period was 3 weeks late. I'm like clockwork. 

Finally, I went and bought a test. Actually, I could get a 3-pack for the price of 1 test, so I did. 

The result.......

Do you hear the drum roll?

I do.

I KNEW J was sterile.

I KNEW J had been fixed.

I KNEW we didn't want another child.

I KNEW this would screw up our lives.

I KNEW I would be 41 when this baby was born.

I KNEW that babies in dreams are not literal babies.

I KNEW IT ALL.

Yet still, I was devastated. 

I took to my bed for the rest of the day. 

Somewhere in my heart, the dream of creating a whole new little person out of love was still there. That dream, as crazy and messed up as it was, was still very alive.

When no one came a-visiting, I took a 2nd test the following week.

And this time........

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Again, nothing. 

Nada.

No pregnante

Damn it!

Truthful Tuesday - American Healthcare

I really hate the American healthcare system.

We may be switching medical providers very soon. As a result, we can't do basic, routine medical care for fear the new company deems it a 'pre-existing condition' and therefore do not have to cover care. And, of course, the company that we were with wouldn't have to pay a dime should we come to find out there may actually be something wrong with any of us. 

Simple things like a routine mammogram. 

I'm of that age where I need to have those slamming exams yearly. I have no expectation of there being a problem. However, if there is, and I go now, I'm screwed!! In Canada, this is not the case. And trust me, I would LOVE to move back to Canada. I would too, if it were not for my husband's career, Motor Mouth's school, and my love of Chicago (but Toronto and Chicago are a LOT alike).

I Am Gay

This morning, I was inspired by my friend, Outnumbered, to be real and tell the world that I am gay*.

*Gay: Having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music.

Indeed, I am gay. Not in the jumping in the air, clicking your heels and practically stabbing yourself with an umbrella kind of gay. But the life is good and I know it kind of gay. My life is pretty great. If you are happy and you know it, stomp your feet!!

Recently, my son made my year when he told me he enjoys spending time talking to me. Yes, he is 7 and he changed his tune 2 hours later when he didn't get ice cream for dessert, but he said it again a couple days later and I think deep down inside he really means it.

It's amazing how taxing crying can be on an entire family. After 4 years of incessant crying, our daughter has been doing much better lately. It's been a long time since she cried simply because it was windy outside. We have been working really hard to teach her techniques to self-regulate and it seems to be working as well as can be expected for a 4-year old.

My job is busy, all-consuming, yet fulfilling. I have a great group of co-workers and enjoy going to work each day. It feels like I make a difference.

We are in the middle of a redecorating project at home. Our loft looks like a used furniture store or an episode of hoarders right now. But there is a vision. A plan. And an end in sight as soon as our custom furniture arrives!! Our new loft look will finally match our city lives. It feels like we will be more authentic to who we really are. Or who J is considering he is making all of the decorating decisions.

There is some change coming down the pike. I'm excited and anxious for it. It will make life better and more challenging at the same time. But it promises to be a good change for our family.

Is life perfect? No. No one's life is perfect in every area. Grandma Barbara isn't here anymore and that makes life feel really empty sometimes. I have yet to conquer the mountain of laundry that is my nemesis. Single digit clothing sizes seem more distant as each day passes. And while we live in a really cool loft, it is not Trump Tower which means we have yet to become independently wealthy.

I have a great life that I enjoy living most days. And, I'm grateful to Outnumbered for reminding me that every now and then, we need to take account of all the good we have going on and recognize that we are blissfully happy and our grass is pretty green right now.

Truthful Tuesday - Reality TV

Do you remember the time J and I were invited to the O Show to talk about the importance of communicating about sex in marriage? It was a packed show. We did not end up talking on camera but we did get to experience reserved front row center seats with our names on them!

Last month, I got a phone call from a producer working on a show for O's new network regarding an opportunity to be on the new show and talk to a sex therapist in person (and on camera). What I really wanted was the 'homework' and any 'homework materials'... We got to the 'let's schedule the taping' point before J and I decided we didn't want to do the show.

Filming was shaping up to be a logistical nightmare with our work schedules and would have taken time away from our kids. I already feel I didn't get to spend as much time with the kids this summer as I would have liked. Oh, and there is that little thing about both of us working in public positions at faith-based organizations....

It would have been a fun opportunity. Who wouldn't benefit from free professional help in that area? Whatever we're doing, I'd give it a 95%. Sure it would be nice to be overachievers and hit 110% but why be greedy?

I have to say, it was truly an honor to be asked. Maybe if they want to do a reality show about our mad crazy lives, we'd be up for that....

Truthful Tuesday - They May Go to Hell Because of Me

Last night, in my writing workshop, we had to share an embarrassing story about ourselves. What I'm about to share is not known by many people, including my mother. I have not shared this story with my mother for about 30 years. Here's to hoping she doesn't read my blog...

I come from a long line of good Catholics. My mother was such a good Catholic, she almost entered the nunnery. 

We were great Catholics. 

We ate fish on Fridays and observed Lent. And when we got in trouble, 

we even kneeled before a photo of Jesus. 

But then my oldest brother told my mother he didn't believe in God.

It freaked her out. 

Soon, we were born again Christians. We were good born again Christians. 

My mom was determined to share the gospel of the Good News of Jesus with all those she encountered.

There were a lot of us in my home. My parents. My grandparents. My 3 older siblings. 8 of us. That's a lot of people. Chances of being home alone with so many people in a house are pretty slim to none. 

A couple things happened. First, I became best friends with Maria Cannizzarro. Maria was a tiny Italian girl with a mouth so foul, she could curse a boatload of sailors into blushing. And my grandfather died. Then my grandmother went to live with my aunt abroad for 6 months. 

I found myself alone at home. A lot. 

My favorite thing to do when home alone was to stand in the upstairs hallway, near the kitchen, and shout every possible profanity and combination of profanity my 11-yr old mind could imagine within a 5 minute period. Top of my lungs. Every swear word known to man. Or me. Sometimes, the kitchen windows were open.

Later that fall, my mother returned from witnessing to the next door neighbor. A stay-at-home mom. Witnessing is when you talk about Jesus and invite someone to be a Christian. 

It didn't go so well.

As fate would have it, the neighbor lady told my mother that she wanted no part of God, based upon the things she heard coming from our home. Ummm...

My mother was so shocked and confused. She thought we had a good family life. She asked all of us kids what the neighbor could possibly be talking about. I think Mom thought we were fighting when she wasn't home. I'm fairly confident, my mother never thought her 11-year old daughter had been cursing at the top of her lungs the entire spring and summer.

30 years later and my mother has never been told this story. 

In fact, I don't think any of my siblings know the story either...

Truthful Tuesday - Open Minds

I work for a private Christian school in Chicago that embodies the spirit of the city. I love the progressive, forward thinking of this school and of Christians in Chicago on the whole. See, I came from living for 9 years in a place where there is not as much diversity.

Recently, a teacher at the school where I work shared that when she decided 3rd/4th grade was what she wanted to teach, she read the entire Harry Potter series. It's what kids that age are in to. In Tulsa, there was so much anti-Potter sentiment when the first movie came out, it was even 'preached' against from the pulpit of our church. J and I decided we wanted to learn about it for ourselves and to not just take what 'they' said.

J's sound booth in Tulsa was in the middle of 2 gym floors. He played a song with Eastern style music. J witnessed a lower elementary child jokingly pretend to be in a yoga position. The P.E. teacher told the child yoga was of the devil. Needless to say, when we learned one of the classes in the Christian school where I teach (and where Motor Mouth attends) did a model Chinese home, complete with a Buddha, we were floored and impressed. How best to teach a Christian worldview than to share the religious beliefs of others in the world and those they will come in contact with in Chicago? I should mention we often run in to Motor Mouth's teacher after her evening yoga class.

Since moving to Chicago, I've met Christians who love Jesus and are - get this - Democrats! For 9 years, I did not realize you could be destined for Heaven AND vote for a Democrat. This is not only a Tulsa phenomenon. Clearly, there are red states and blue states. This was just my experience. I'm Canadian and therefore neither Republican nor Democrat. I have to say, I did love me some Reagan and some George W.

The thing I love about politics in Chicago is that you can have differing opinions and still be friends with someone. You can have differing opinions and still have a decent relationship with your family. They won't accuse you of living in a Godless city because people are allowed to have their own thoughts and their own opinions - especially after much study.

What I've struggled with a lot over the last few years is the number of my Tulsa acquaintances suddenly getting divorces because this one was cheating on that one, or friends who have $50K - $100K in credit card debt, or knowing some people have strap ons hidden in their homes but they act morally supreme, or they get fired because they are abusing prescription drugs or they are closet alcoholics, etc.

So when I came to Chicago and on one of the first Sundays we were in church here, a guy got up and talked about his porn addiction in front of the whole church, I knew we weren't in Tulsa anymore!! I missed it, but a previous week a guy talked about his struggles with homosexuality and I've heard women talk about their formerly promiscuous lifestyles.

Are people in Chicago perfect? Absolutely not. But I believe that in being honest about your struggles, you can face them head on and work through them. Is everyone in Chicago just voyeuristic and share their yucky life stuff? Nope. But in doing so, it helps other people to face and deal with the yuckyness of their lives. You can have a group of people who care about you supporting you and helping to keep you accountable. God is a god of light, not darkness. What we hide can eat us up inside. If we bring it in to the light, we can get help and live in the freedom God designs for us.

Although this may sound like a bash Tulsa entry, it is not. I love the friends I made there and value my friends. I'm merely reaffirming why I love living in this big city. And why I felt like I was dying in Tulsa. Why I had to get out of there before my soul shriveled up and died.

Truthful Tuesday - MAM

I have this friend that I really like and finally got to spend about an hour or so with yesterday at a coffee shop in Oak Park. You see, MAM has deserted me in the city and has moved to Oak Park. I can't say I didn't see this coming. Afterall, I met her through her blog post on Chicago Mom's Blog when she talked about their plans to move to the suburbs. I just thought it would have taken a few more years to happen.

MAM and her partner, Math Wiz sold their amazing penthouse in the city that I really, really wish we were in a financial position to have purchased as it is in the most perfect part of town for us and I do love rooftop decks and wide open living spaces with Brazilian Cherry floors and, to be honest, the designation of 'penthouse' doesn't hurt one's ego either. Abandoning the city, they moved to Oak Park for it's wide treelined streets, family and stroller friendly sidewalks, homes set back from the road, proximity to the university at which they profess, and the great big homes that you can renovate and make perfect for you to live in for the next 30 years. Chicago has all of this but for some odd reason, they didn't want to spend $1.5 million to attain it.

MAM loves Oak Park and for this I am so happy. A book could be written about the drama they endured when selling said condo/penthouse and trying to purchase - with CASH - another home. You would think a seller hearing the words 'cash sale' in a down economy would skip hop to the closing table. These Oak Park people own the term 'pride of ownership' let me tell you. If MAM wrote a book about it - and she is a published author with a wikipedia page devoted to her, so she could easily do so - no one would believe it to be true. If I hadn't been privy to the torment and tears, I might wonder myself.

At any rate, MAM is loving Oak Park and hanging in there as a new mom for the 2nd time. It was great to sit and chat and get crochet ideas and advice from her. I practically had to arm wrestle the woman to let me pay for a cup of tea for her. Why was it so important to me? Reciprocity. You can't leave MAM's home with just what you walked in with. I have plants, yarn, crochet needles, books, Vermouth ("I like to have a home that has Vermouth in the pantry"), you name it. Yesterday, I bought MAM chai, but left with a little Valentines' pail and coloring pages and cookie cutter for Mini Me and a space heater for my office. She's not quite like a mom figure, maybe more like my mom's best friend, only she can't be because she is younger than me and has never met my mom.

I think I might be rambling. However, I do want to be sure you realize how special MAM is and if you ever get the chance to meet her, you will figure this out sometime between the delicious and exotic food she feeds you and upon arriving at your vehicle with your arms fuller than when you knocked upon her door.