Thursday, June 4, 2009

What is Really Going on With Me

We are in Tulsa, visiting J's grandmother. The kids call her Grandma Grandma. Grandma Grandma was diagnosed with cancer last summer. We cancelled our plans to go to England and France, so we could return to Tulsa to spend time with Grandma. I told J, "England and France will always be there, but Grandma may not be." We had a great visit last summer.
No chemo. No radiation. No surgery to remove the cancer. More recently, Grandma was on an experimental treatment, but you have to be eating to use it. She had not been able to keep anything down for over a week, which has required hospital visits for IV fluids. She had to stop the treatment. I don't know that it would have worked, but at least we had hope while she was on it.
Since arriving, we have spent many hours at Grandma's house. She has mainly been laying down in her bed. When she was dressed for the doctor yesterday, J and I were able to see how much weight she has lost. We've never seen her this skinny and frail looking.
I know we've had a full extra year with Grandma and many people don't have that luxury. But I don't want her to go. I want her to live for another 20 years. 75 is too young. I don't want to only have her in my memory. I don't want to make 'millionaire pie' and hope it's as good as Grandma's. I want Grandma to make it for because she knows it's my favorite. I want to hear her tell us how proud she is of us. I don't want to have to think, "Grandma would really be proud of us." I want my kids to spend more nights at Grandma Grandma's, watching movies. I want my kids to have experiences, not just memories. 
And what will happen to Grandpa? How will he manage alone, without Grandma? Will he marry some old filly in 6 months? Lots of widows do that, you know. Will he fade without Grandma or will he be just fine? 
Grandma is one of the sweetest, kindest, most generous people I know. I know she will be in Heaven and free from pain. She'll be with all of her family that has gone before. And I know I'll see her again one day. But for right now, I'm not ready. I'm just not ready.


Kathy said...

I'm sorry your family is going through this pain.

Threeundertwo said...

I'm so sorry. I know you are savoring every moment of every day you get to spend with her. It is so hard to see someone so beloved failing.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I am so sorry that your family is going through this.

I'm delighted, though, that you've had this wonderful relationship with J's family and with Grandma Grandma. The photos really show the love that's being spread around.

Enjoy your visit. My heart is with you all.

Felicity said...

I feel for you. This is both a beautiful and a terrible time in the life of a family. There is almost a holiness in the air, right? It's the kind of time that makes me long, long, long for that New Earth where all the terrible disappears and we only know beautiful.But maybe we could never appreciate the beautiful if we didn't know terrible?

FaithChick said...

I agree!