Monday, August 18, 2008

I am Scared

J's parents were in for the weekend. Thursday through Monday. I have stuff to post on that, but I want to be more self centered right now.

I'm feeling scared and apprehensive. This homeschooling thing seemed so clear cut and wonderful two weeks ago. It gave me peace of mind for 1 week. Then I started to happen. The part of me that drives J insane happened. The part of me that had us impulsively shop for all new living room furniture years back. Then, when they approved us for the payment plan, freaked out, wondering how it was all going to work out. The part of me that had us purchase a home and then freak out when they approved us for the mortgage. The part that needs to go away.

I know you were shocked I wanted to homeschool. I was too. I thought it was the right thing to do. I felt at peace with it. But as it quickly approaches, I'm getting in my way. Right now, I feel like the little girl that was too shy to take swimming lessons so she never learned. I get gripped by fear sometimes and right now, I am scared.

I'm not scared that I won't be a good teacher. I've done lots of teaching and instructing and tutoring since I was 7 and helped my next door neighbor re-learn how to read English after 6 months in Italy. 

I'm scared that we are going to be chained to schoolwork. That our Adventures of the 3 M's is over. That our Widney Wednesdays are going to be monthly and not weekly. That Family Friday is not going to happen anymore. That maybe I bit off more than I can chew. 


Michelle said...

YOU CAN DO IT! God would NOT hav given you peace about it in the beginning and have things come together so perfectly for this not to be the plan. I have the same "fear" issue as you do. The what if's creep in and then Satan attacks our decisions and we begin to doubt ourselves. You just hang in there and remember "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVE ME STRENGTH!!" Phil. 4:13!!!!
Love u BFF!

Felicity said...

I think you can do it, too, but, as a classic over-achiever myself, I think tweaking your non-school schedule isn't giving up - it's being wise! Our lives are meant to be lived in seasons. If you have to give a little somewhere else to make the school thing work, it isn't that big of a deal. Just BEING TOGETHER is the goal - whether it is school or play. Summer will come back around!

Norma-ann at The Mommy Project said...

I, too, totally believe you can do this and I wasn't the least bit surprised when I heard that you were planning to do this. You are such a great and commited Mommy and as Michelle mentioned, things seemed to be coming together so well for Felicity said, so the HUGE Widney Wednesday's may have to be put on the back burner during the school's about involvement with your kids. That's all that matters. And, that's not going to stop.

Of course, you don't HAVE to go through with it if you are now thinking it may not be the best option.

I have total faith that you will make the best decision for Jazz and for you and for the family.

Good LUCK, MONY!!!!

(p.s. I think Vicky is going to be homeschooling, too!!)

Shan said...

Oh you can totally do this. You can knock this out of the park. Everyone is entitled to a little fear of the unknown. I think you're definitely going to have a period of adjustment and, likely, some growing pains as well. And maybe the 3M's, Widney Wednesday and Family Friday will be low key until you get your feet underneath you. I think in no time you'll have figured out a way to make all of those learning experiences for Jazz and the whole family. I can see this making all the other things better. I can't wait to read about the journey.