Thursday, June 24, 2010

What NOT to say...

I don't think most people mean to be daft and insensitive. But when you are experiencing infertility and adoption, there are some things you really don't need to hear. Such as....

When are you going to start your family?
- I don't have a crystal ball. If I did, I'd win the lottery.

Don't you want children?
- Yes, I do. What I don't want is to be questioned about it.

Are you sure you are doing it right?
- Funny. Hahaha. Would you like to evaluate our home videos?

Oh, you are a 'career' woman.
- Would you rather I sit at home watching soap operas while I await the blessed event?

Just relax and it will happen.
- Seriously? How am I supposed to relax when I'm getting questioned as to when I'm going to have a child every time I turn around?

Your biological clock is ticking. Better get working!
- We work at it every chance we get...

My friend/sibling/cousin/coworker/etc. got pregnant after they adopted.
- I honestly don't need to hear this. Every situation is different.

Don't you have faith for your own child (when told adopting)?
- It takes more faith to believe a stranger will take care of herself while pregnant and then will not change her mind after the birth.

Infertility treatments are messing with God's creation.
- So is taking Tylenol for your headache and having surgery to remove your appendix or your wisdom teeth. Just let that happen naturally.

Do you have some unconfessed sin?
- About as much as you do. Probably even less.

Do you ever feel like God has forsaken you?
- Every. Day.

Were you sexually promiscuous?
- No. Were you?

Are you infertile because of an STD?
- I am so surprised this misconception is out there!

It's so honorable to adopt a child.
- I'm trying to fulfill my heart's desire, not win the Nobel Peace Prize.

We have an adopted child too. We give to a 3rd world country adoption program
- Yeah. Not the same thing, my friend.

Your adopted child is so lucky to have a good home.
- No. We are lucky we get to be parents.

My friend/sibling/coworker/etc. adopted a child and when he/she grew up, they said they hated their parents.
- So what? When I was a teenager, I told my mom I hated her and wished I had different parents. Isn't that a right of passage whether you are adopted or not?

If you have an open adoption, the birth parent will come take the child back.
- Clearly, you have never met a birth parent. She/he would not do that. Statistically not happening.

If God wanted you to be a parent, it would have come naturally
- Right. Like the immaculate conception was natural.

She's an adoptive mom, she doesn't need meals, sleep, support, baby shower, etc.
- Really? Maybe I didn't push that baby out personally, but I'm still doing 2 hour feedings and instead of 9 months warning, I might have had oh, 1 hour warning. And not only do I have to care for a baby and all that, but I also have to meet with the adoption agency and attorneys and social workers and spend time with the birth mom.

I'm sure there are more, but you get the gist of it.

What SHOULD you say?
- I'm really sorry to hear you are having these struggles. I am here for you if you need me.

What SHOULD you do?
- Bring meals over. Throw a baby shower when the time comes. Spa services make great gifts.


Heather Kay said...

This is an excellent post! Thank you for the good advice.

Lori said...

Wow. Do people actually say things like that? I guess so. Are you adopting again?!


Yes, Lori, people say this and much more foolishness. And noooooo. We are done with 2. I never really ever wanted more than 2 children. We are so done. Love to your fam from J and I!!