Saturday, August 1, 2009

Against God's Plan - Pt 3: Bed Sharing & Other Things They Don't Tell You

Less than a week to go to our 10th wedding anniversary!

When we first got married, there were so many things we discovered about married life that no one tells you. And, of course, there are the presumptions of what married life is like that somehow manage to get shattered.

For example, we didn't 'feel married' at first. It's like your birthday. You don't feel any older, regardless of how many times various well-meaning, poor conversationalists ask if you feel older. Part of that for us could be because the only real change was that I moved from the pull-out couch in the office to sleeping in a bed upstairs with Jason at his parents' home. Eventually, after about 6 months, we finally started to 'feel married'.

It took a good year almost for it to really sink in that "I married J Widney". I would repeat it every now and then in complete shock and disbelief. That could be because we had been best friends until that fateful phone call and he was not anything like who or what I had envisioned myself marrying.

And that whole sleeping together thing, wow, TV and movies really skew that one!! I didn't sleep for the first 3 months of our marriage. No, I'm not talking about the sex - I'll get to that later. Pretty much, I had only ever shared a bed with my sister, mom, grandmother, or a niece or nephew. I had to learn how to sleep with a man.

A snoring man. J falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. It takes me 30-90 minutes or longer to fall asleep, even when dead tired. Finally, I told myself his snoring was not going away and I was going to have to figure a way to live with it. I trained myself to breathe when he breathed and look at it as rhythmic music. And I kept the knives as far away as possible to avoid killing him in his sleep.

The arm around each other or his arm under my neck to sleep is a crock they sell you on TV. That is so freaking uncomfortable!! It put J's arm to sleep and I got a kink in my neck. Arrgh! Oh, and snuggling up to each other? Forget it!! He is a furnace at night and I need my blankets (plural). We soon learned it was okay to say goodnight, turn our backs to each other and only touch feet...if that much.

Okay, now for the sex. I somehow got it in my head that to be a good wife, especially a good housewife as I was for the first 8 months, I needed to give up the goods 2x/day. More on his days off and definitely when he was home sick from work. I was diligent. One day, in casual conversation with my father, I mentioned this philosophy of mine. "What? You're killing the man!" was my dad's response. "Are you joking, Dad? I really can hurt him?" "I don't know about hurt him, but give the poor guy a break." Oh.

Poor J. When he was sick, I was all up in his business, trying to do my duty. One day, I was really sick. J tried to get all up in my business but I wasn't having it. "I'm sick. I don't want to!!" I said. "You don't want to because you are sick and don't feel like it?" J said. "Yeah." "Well then leave me the hell alone when I'm sick." he replied. Oh.

Why don't people tell you these things?

P.S. If J tells you I talk in my sleep, or worse, I pass gas in my sleep, don't believe him. You know me by now, you know I'd NEVER do such things.


Jen of A2eatwrite said...

This so cracked me up and it's SO true! Every bit of it. There really should be a manual or something. Really.

Mommy Project said...

You have GOT to be kidding...right??!?!

I love you, Mony...and I am so happy for your 10 years...but 2 times a DAY???? For 8 months?!?! How would you get anything DONE?

p.s. Oh, wait...when did M.M. come on the scene? Oh...okay...maybe it was possible...then...