Saturday, September 27, 2008

That Time of Year Again

Last year, my doctor asked if I was ready to have a baseline mammogram done. He remembered how opposed I was the previous year. I knew I couldn't hold off any longer - 
I'm getting THAT old. 

I had heard how painful mammograms are. There is that e-mail floating around that says you can practice for a mammogram by letting the garage door slam on your girls. Yikes! But my experience was great and positive. 
No pain whatsoever.
That is, until 2 pm the afternoon before we left for vacation. My doctor's nurse told me they needed to have the mammogram redone. For the next 10 days, when I wasn't telling myself to not think about it, I was telling myself 
it was nothing. 

I thought I was having both breasts redone. Nope. Only one. Crap. That was bad. That means they found something. This time, it was a different lab and a different machine. It hurt like everyone had said. But all I had to do was get through the test, get dressed, and leave.

No. I had to wait to see if they needed to do an ultrasound as well. I was in the changing room. Alone. Oh, how I wished I had J with me. Or my mother-in-law. I should not have gone alone. It was all I could do to 
hold it together.

I had to have an ultrasound. After the ultrasound, I had to wait on the table, in this dark room, alone, while the radiologist decided if he needed to come in and do the ultrasound himself. I couldn't hold it in any longer. Tears streamed down my cheek, slipping into my ear. 
To calm myself, I started singing the Star Spangled Banner. When I am nervous or scared, I sing the American national anthem. It is something I have done for about 15 years. 
It calms me. I'm Canadian.

I thought I had cancer. I tried not to 'go there' but I really felt like with every test, I was getting closer and closer to being told I had to have a biopsy to determine if I had cancer. I tried not to think about my 4 yr old and 
my 1 yr old or my husband.
By the time the radiologist came in, I was beyond modesty. So many people had slammed and squeezed and pressed my breast that afternoon, I didn't care if this man was going to see me. I just wanted to know if I had a 
really long road ahead of me.

After about 10 minutes of poking and prodding, the radiologist determined it was a cyst. He told me right there it was a cyst and I didn't have to come back 
for another year. Whew!

It's that time of year again. I'm scared again. I don't want to go back. I want to live with my head in the sand. I don't want the test. This time, IF I go, I am going to have J come with me. I can't do any of it alone again. 


serenity said...

Oh, Simone this all sounds so familiar! Isn't there any way they can be less mysterious and less horrifying about these things?

I rarely think about cancer - except every now and then to remember and be so thrilled that I survived it - until those regular checkups with my surgeon. Then I practically tremble until he tells me all is still okay. So, YES. Take Jason. It helps. So does celebrating afterwards with dessert or a movie.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Simone, cysts come and go in breasts. I have a large number of them, and I'm just glad they DO follow things.

The great thing about mammograms, is that over time they get to "know" your pictures and things they do massive tests on early on, they don't even blink at later.

I hope this goes easily and well for you. Huge hugs!

Candace said...

Sorry to hear about your experience. About 8 months ago I had a similar one. I had a sonogram and they confirmed that they 'didn't like' what they saw. i had minor surgery to remove it. Thankfully it was nothing.
Hopefully you can get someone to go with you. It's better to be safe than sorry.

jasonwidney said...

I will be there for you babe!