I've Hurt My Park Mom's Groupies

Contrary to popular belief, I don't enjoy hurting people. I do think it is funny when people trip and fall. 

Provided they don't get hurt.

Well, I have hurt my Park Mom's Groupies. The first group of ladies I connected with in Chicago are my Mom's Groupies. Last night, I got an e-mail from one of them. She found out from reading my blogs this week that our kids are adopted. It made the ladies feel like they hadn't really known me. It made them wonder what other secrets I'm keeping. I'm really grateful to Eye Girl for sending me the email, confronting me about it all. Now that's a friend!!!!

Basically, here is what I wrote to her 

(slight editing for blog clarity):

I just read (Eye Girl's email) to J who said "I told you this would come back to bite you in the ass."

J and I have argued about this. When we moved to Chicago, I made the decision to not share that we are adoptive parents because I did not want the stigma of being an adoptive mom and therefore 'not a "REAL MOM"' to follow me here. I had people make that comment in Tulsa and I just didn't want to deal with it. I just wanted to live a 'normal' life with OUR children.

It was so nice and refreshing to be a regular mom like all of you. It was the first time I had that experience in over 5 years. I was just a mom. Not an adoptive mom. A mom.

I'm sorry if I hurt you or any of the other ladies. Tulsa was a hard place for me. I never felt like I fit in. J and I were really happy as a couple. But we battled infertility for years and then we went through the whole adoption thing. When J was laid off last January, it was a hard, hard blow. Moving to Chicago was a fresh start.  

It's not that I wanted to reinvent myself. I like who I am. That's why it was hard in Tulsa to work at being something I wasn't so I could fit in. I just didn't want to include adoption in my resume.

However, adoption is a REALLY big part of who we are and what we are. The adoption agency had a volunteer requirement. 100 hours before the adoption could be finalized. We got involved in the agency in March 2003. By December 2003 we had over 500 hours - I stopped counting at 500 that year.

Each year, we racked up even more volunteer hours. We spoke at workshops, designed and created the workshop manuals, I spoke in high schools, mentored girls, J did all the publications, including quarterly newsletters, I represented the agency on the Oklahoma Adoption Coalition, planned 2 fundraising banquets, and redesigned the website, as well as planning an annual birth mother celebration and the 20th anniversary celebration. Plus other stuff.  

We have amazing stories of God's grace and mercy and faithfulness through our adoption experiences. I've short-changed my Park mom's group friends by keeping this a secret. The adoption story really is an hour long. Minimum. (I was asked to share my testimony with the group last year. I stopped at when we got married) When I shared my testimony, I was late picking Motor Mouth up by ending at the marriage part.  

Oh, and you CAN NOT make adoption comments in PUBLIC areas of Facebook. My nieces and nephews are on there and so are some of my cousins. They don't know our kids are adopted. It has to do with stupid comments my extended family has made about the adopted kids in our family. That they weren't 'really' part of the family.

My one adopted cousin is OLDER than me and his parents had been close friends of the family for 20 years before he was born!! His mom died a month after giving birth and my aunt married his dad a year later. My brother adopted his wife's son at age 2. When they divorced, he paid child support because the boy is his son. To me, these boys are family.

I didn't want my kids to face that kind of stigma so I didn't tell the extended family. When you live in a different country, it's easy for people to not know you are or are not pregnant. I wanted them to fall in love with my children before they found out the truth. That way, they would still love them no matter what. I figured my kids would tell them themselves when they got older.

What I did not share with Eye Girl is that J and I argued over not telling my extended family. He wanted to. I didn't. I said I wanted to give my kids a fighting chance. But I wonder if part of it is not wanting to be seen as a failure. Or that my husband was a failure. There is such a range of emotions and mental stuff that goes into to infertility and adoption. I can't even begin to tell you.

Almost 2 years ago, I broke down and told one of my favorite uncles the kids are adopted. It was shortly after Mini Me was born and he was hurt that he hadn't been told I was even pregnant. It seems I hurt a lot of people with my secrets. 

So I tell him and he equates us adopting our kids to him giving money every month to his 'adopted' boy through one of those World Vision type Sponsor a Child things. WTH?? He said what we are doing is admirable. WTH?? We are parenting! I just couldn't deal with anymore of that from family. I decided the closet was a wonderful, warm and cozy place where I wanted to live indefinitely. I went back in and locked the door from the inside.

So, there you have it, my bloggy world. I am partially out of the closet. Didn't mean to hurt people. Just wanted to protect my kids. And me.