National Adoption Month 2012

Today begins National Adoption Month.

I encourage you to read Our Adoption Story posts (see link above).

Tough Questions

Mini Me was mad at J about something this morning on the way to school. She told J that she would "just go live with (her) birth mom."

Mini Me wanted to know why she does not live with her birth mom and why her sisters live with TT. J explained that TT's daughters do not live with her. That wasn't enough. Our girl had to know why. J explained that TT can't take care of kids. J was honest and told her TT made some bad choices, did the bad kind of drugs, couldn't take care of her girls, and that she had been to jail. She seemed satisfied with the answers.

I've asked TT to talk to Mini Me directly and answer those questions personally this weekend. Gotta love open adoption!

Mother's Day 2011

 Photo: After visiting the Field Museum, Mini Me and Motor Mouth picking dandelions for my Mother's Day "bouquet" on Museum Campus 

This morning, I called my mother, in Canada, to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. It was the least I could do. Dang it! I forgot to ask my sister to write my name on the card she bought our mother. She's a much better daughter. 

Next, I texted my children's birth moms to wish them a Happy Mom's Day, tell them how much I dearly love them and I thanked them for being my heroes and making me a mom. Without KK and TT, there is no way I would be celebrating my eighth Mother's Day today. These brave, strong, selfless women chose the tougher path to live apart from their children and chose me to parent their children. I never forget that KK and TT were moms first so that I could be a mom. 

Both kids called their birth moms to wish them a Happy Mother's Day and to say "I love you." I only wish I had taken a pic of the smiles on my kids' faces!

Little Known Widney Woman Fact:

Mother's Day is extra special for me as Motor Mouth was dedicated at church on my very first Mother's Day in 2003. Three years later, in 2006, Mini Me was dedicated at church on Mother's Day (wearing a dedication gown J designed and had made out of my wedding gown!

A Mother's Instinct

I've shared before that Mini Me was a different and difficult baby. There was a great honeymoon period when she was first born. Soon, the honeymoon was over.

Mini Me would not let us hold her, comfort her. She was born at a low birth weight of 5 lbs 5 oz. To put her to sleep, we had to swaddle her tightly, lay her on her tummy, and walk away. We could not even pat her back. She did not want to be touched. Mini Me cried herself to sleep every night. If you left her alone, the crying only lasted for about 15-20 minutes. If you stayed in the room or touched her, the crying never stopped - it escalated and got worse.

Mini Me cried frequently. I remember wishing she would only cry for 2 hours each day. At first, we thought this baby was so challenging because Motor Mouth had been so laid back. We joked that we would have had to pinch Motor Mouth to get him to cry for 15 minutes a day. We thought we were just parenting a girl.

Her cry was out of this world. It was this high pitched piercing scream that went from 0 to 320 in less than 3 seconds. It was grating to say the least. 

Stomach problems, reflux, thrush that would not go away, constant crying, no holding, no touching, repeated ear infections, constant cough that sounded like whooping cough, nasal drip, and on and on. Mini Me loved having a pacifier in her mouth. But her palate was underdeveloped and she could not hold the pacifier in her mouth. And the crying. She cried for everything. You couldn't drive with her to the corner without Mini Me losing her pacifier and crying. Or spitting up all over her outfit.

J and I tried everything we could to comfort Mini Me and do the absolute best for her. But it took a major toll on us. Especially on me. Early on, I sought advice from the adoption agency director and the agency social worker. I needed tools and advice on how to deal with this most different child. 

When she was old enough to talk, Mini Me had speech delays. At my wits end, I took Mini Me to a naturopath. He checked her blood and said she had kidney problems but he couldn't tell if the kidneys had been the initial problem or if all the mess in her blood system had caused the kidney problems. He sure did know how to prescribe a lot of natural remedies for her.

Early on, I knew something was off. Finally I started looking up meth addicted babies and what their symptoms were. I read articles. One time, I even went stalker and looked up a woman was profiled in an article because she cares for meth addicted babies. When I called her home, she gave me great advice. It was comforting to talk to her. But I still didn't know for a fact that Mini Me had been born meth addicted. Until recently.

Late last year, Mini Me's birth mom, TT, admitted to me that she did meth and cocaine while she was pregnant with Mini Me. She says that she quit as soon as she realized she would be carrying Mini Me to term. After almost 5 years, I finally found out the truth. The truth that I had known in my heart. 

Never underestimate the power of a mother's intuition whether that mother be biological or otherwise. 

I want you to understand, we had a very detailed 25+ page medical history the 27 year old birth mom (and more info added later by her mom) provided to us. I mention her age so you realize this was not a 15year old teenager giving a medical history. At no time did the birth mom mention she might have done any drugs when she was pregnant with Mini Me.  

We love TT, Mini Me's birth mom. We get why she would not have told us about the drugs. But it would have been a whole lot easier going in to it to know this was a possible cause. We could have saved a lot of pain (primarily Mini Me's physical pain) had we known this important fact. We could have gotten Mini Me therapy and other help early on that would have helped her and helped us to care for her.

Having this knowledge earlier on would not have made us look at TT as anything less than our hero. TT did something difficult and courageous by making the choice to give Mini Me a life TT could not provide. 

2006 Christopher Radko Adoption Ornament

I've been searching for this 2006 Christopher Radko adoption ornament for 4 years.

Radko and the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation team up yearly to create an ornament in honor of adoption. Naturally, I wanted to get one for Mini Me.

But I couldn't find it in Tulsa when we lived there and it went for oodles of money on eBay. Finally, this year, I waited until the last 50 seconds of the auction to enter my max bid. I won it for less than half the price of the original $40. Whoooooohoooooooo!!!

Yet Another Adoption Update

Mini Me's birth mom is BACK in our lives!

We lost touch at the end of September when TT moved back to Tulsa.

Tonight, TT was telling her oldest daughter that she couldn't find our phone number. Her daughter told TT to 'Google them'. So she googled J and found us.

We are now connected on Twitter and Facebook. 

J tagged TT in about 20 pics of Mini Me. 

Oh, I almost forgot! 

TT talked to Mini Me and Motor Mouth on the phone. TT said it was the first time she really had a conversation with Mini Me on the phone. It helps that Mini Me's speech has improved tremendously in the last year and a half since she started school and speech therapy. TT and I have talked on the phone a number of times but Mini Me must have been in school or sleeping.

Adoption Update

We LOVE hearing how our experiences have impacted other people's lives. Truly, I believe that we experience hardships in life for our own growth experiences but to help others and to be a resource or inspiration.

Recently, we received an email from a friend of J's. She had read through our Adoption Story and bawled the entire time. Hopefully she found a few points of laughter too. But she had questions. So I'm going to update:

When is the book coming out?
For right now, this blog is my book. What you see on my blog is pretty much what I have time to write in my current life. I do have a partial mock up but it needs a LOT of work.

Will you ever adopt again?
- No. We have 2 children and we are done. J and I never wanted more than 2 children.

Did you ever find KK? Do you still have a relationship with her?
I don't know that KK was ever 'lost'. Things and transitions were happening in KK's life for a few years and we moved out-of-state so some natural distance was created. But it's like a relationship you have that goes through periods of extreme closeness then not so close but the love is still there.

KK and I have been Facebook friends for awhile but KK finally kicked it up a notch recently. Now, we communicate a couple times each week on FB. A few weeks back, we chatted on FB for hours - I'm thinking 4 hours but don't quote me.

KK has always been a proponent of open adoption. When she was 16, she lived in a home with other pregnant teens. They were keeping their children and some told her she was wrong to place her child. At 16, our little hero stood up for her decision. 7.5 years later, a married, 24-year old mother-of-three girls, KK said she wasn't sure if when she would regret her decision when she was older but recently told me that she has no regrets.

Does TT still come around?
TT never 'came around'. Our relationship with TT is deepest when she is incarcerated. This is why I have come to love prison. During some of the first two years of Mini Me's life, we would travel 90 minutes each way monthly to visit TT in prison with Mini Me. When TT is out, we seldom hear from her.

TT had been in prison again this year but got out last month. I had been writing letters and postcards to her. Before I send each note, I check the prison system to make sure she is in the same facility. Except this time, she wasn't in a new facility. She is out.

From what I have researched on TT, she appears to have drug related issues when on the outside. We don't talk about those issues when we see TT. All I care about is being with her at that moment, remembering as much as possible so I can share with Mini Me.

Info on the rest of the family
JJ is Mini Me's birth father. He is still in prison. I check before sending him mail. He has been moved to a new facility. Typically, there is a wait period when they move to a new facility before we will hear from him again.

Birth grandparents. TT's step-dad passed away this past year. JJ's grandfather passed away this past year. Thanks to the miracle of open adoption, Mini Me met them both and has photos with them.  That alone makes open adoption perfect, if you ask me.

The kids get correspondence from Mini Me's birth grandparents and see them when in Tulsa. Her birth grandparents, uncles, etc. are pretty great people that we absolutely love and adore. They say you can't pick your family, but sometimes you kinda can and we got lucky. I owe them all pictures. I should get off the net and go do that right now.

Open Adoption Myths Debunked

There is a lot of fear and confusion surrounding open adoption. Following are some common misconceptions:

Co-Parenting
Some think it is co-parenting. It is not. The adoptive couple are the parents. The birth parents have a special relationship with the child, often similar to that of a favorite aunt or uncle. The birth parents are not referred to as 'mom' or 'dad'. Typically, the child refers to them by their first name, or a cute nickname.

Return in Future
Some think open adoption is similar to foster care without involving social services. That the child will be parented by the adoptive couple until the birth parents can get on their feet and then return the child. Nope!!! Open adoption is a legal adoption that goes through the courts and terminates all rights to parenting by the birth parents while granting full legal parental rights to the adoptive couple. There is no going back. The open part is a promise to the birth parents that is not legally binding. However, if you, as an adoptive couple, promise a young girl that you will retain a relationship with her and allow her access to spend time with your adoptive child (the child she gave to you in good faith and with much heartbreak), and you go back on your word, may God smite you where you stand. Or sit. Or sleep.

Death Return
Some think that should the adoptive parents die before the child turns 18 years of age, he or she will be returned to the birth parents. Truly, someone asked me this. The child would go to whomever the adoptive parents designate in a will or if no will, according to state laws. Nowhere in the state law equation does the birth parent factor in.

Baby Snatching
Some think that if the birth parents know where the adoptive parents live, they will come take the baby. Well, if they did that, they would go to jail. Like any kidnapper would. Birth moms do not give away their babies. Birth moms choose a family for the child they love more than themselves. The child they love so much they are willing to sacrifice their desire to parent so their child can have opportunities they cannot provide at the time. A birth mom is not looking to rip a child away from the loving home she chose for him/her.

Discount
Some think open adoption is cheaper than closed adoption. Not sure why this would be the case, but it is not. Adoption fees pay for the services provided such as attorney fees, medical and housing expenses, counseling, etc. Some agencies offer a discounted rate for non-white babies. I find this deplorable. Run far from such a place. Every child and every life is of equal value.

Time Consuming
This was my biggest concern - I don't talk to my mom or my sister every day or even every week. How am I supposed to care for a baby and spend all this time with a birth mother????  When you fall in love with your birth mom, you want to spend time with her. We had a great counselor who helped us to discuss each other's expectations. Knowing what the other wants and can handle then meeting somewhere in the middle is key. I will say that typically, there is more attention given to the birth mom in the beginning. As time goes on, you tend to settle into a relationship and frequency that works for you both.

It's Just Not Healthy
Some think that it is better for the birth parents and the adopted children to never have contact. This cannot be farther than the truth. This is an old fashioned, old school way of thinking. It is harmful to everyone in the adoption triad.  No contact is only good for an insecure, needy adoptive parent who wants to pretend their child was not adopted. In 2004, I read a national survey in an adoption magazine that showed over 90% of adopted children either have, had, sought, or desire a relationship or knowledge of their birth parent(s)/family and/or family history. Over 90%.

Studies have proven that children who have or have had relationships with their birth parent(s) have a lower incidence of feelings of abandonment. That means it is healthier for your child. What is healthier for your child, is healthier for you.

Speaking of healthier, having direct access to birth family means a more complete medical history and family in case a kidney, bone marrow, etc. are needed. Our adoption agency has a 15+ page medical history document. However, our son's birth mother was 16 when she gave birth. Her parents were not in the picture. What 16 year old knows their family's complete medical history?? Having access later to ask questions is incredible.

Proximity Changes Minds
Some think that if the birth mother sees the baby often, she will decide to take the child back. Seeing the child often has the opposite affect. Yes, the birth mom's heart will break every time she leaves the child at first. But seeing her child in a caring, loving environment helps to reinforce that she made the right decision. Seeing how much joy her selfless decision gives to a couple helps to reassure her she made the right decision.

I will tell you that when our birth mom went to court to terminate her parental rights, the judge caused a delay by ordering an attorney to represent the her as she was a ward of the state. I started to freak out. What if she changes her mind?? Each time I felt that way, I called her and we chatted casually. Each time, I was reassured of her commitment to her decision. What if I didn't have contact? I would have gone insane for those additional 2 weeks. Insane!!

Conclusion
So, there you have it. Some of the most common misconceptions of open adoption. I wasn't sure about it myself. The book "Children of Open Adoption" by Silber and Dorner was extremely informative and helped me to understand the benefits of open adoption for my child and therefore for us. I recommend you read it for yourself. Amazon.com often has gently used copies available at a great, reduced rate.

Terrible Adoptive Mom

Mini Me's birth parents are both in prison right now. I feel a greater need to communicate with them more because they are locked up all day long. Wouldn't you want letter and photos often?

When I get busy, I don't talk to anyone who is not right in front of my face. This Spring, I went for 3-4 weeks straight without touching base with my mom or sister. Perhaps I shouldn't feel so bad for not sending letters to TT and JJ if I haven't even spoken to my own mother. Or emailed her. But still, my mother is a busy woman and clearly didn't notice the lack of contact or she would have called, right?

So, I devised this plan to send TT and JJ postcards every week. Writing letters takes a long time. Postcards are easy. I was doing great until I got back from vacation. I've fallen off the wagon. 

I need to send pictures too. The kids are growing and changing so much!! I should mention that although TT and JJ are technically, Mini Me's birth parents, our rule is that we adopt your child, but our kids are a package deal. JJ has agreed to 'be Motor Mouth's birth father' as well. Not really fair to Motor Mouth to not have a birth father. 

J is responsible for photos so maybe I should place the blame on him....

At any rate, I should stop blogging and mail out a postcard or two.

Baby Hole

I picked my 4 year old daughter up from day camp. We barely made it a block when Mini Me shared that a girl in her camp group "has a baby in her tummy and it's going to come out of her 'baby hole.'"

'baby hole'

Never, in my 40 years have I heard the crude term 'baby hole.' 

"Does your camp counselor have a baby in her tummy?" I asked.

"No. My friend is 5 years old. The baby is gonna come out of her baby hole." Again with the baby hole.

"Sweetie, 5 year olds can't have a baby in their tummy. Does her mommy have a baby in her tummy?"

"Nooooooo!! A baby is going to come out of her BABY HOLE!!!!"

"How old are you, Mini Me?" I asked.

"Five," she replied.

"Can you have a baby right now?" I inquired.

"No."

"Can YOU have a baby next year?"

"No."

"Okay, so your 5-year old friend can't have a baby either, Sweetie," I reasoned, praying the topic would change. And it did. Sort of. 

"How old can you be when a baby comes out your baby hole, Mommy?"

"20." Look, she's been fascinated with child birth since she accidentally saw a delivery on TV a few months back. If I tell her 12, that could be her goal.

"Can you have a baby out of your baby hole at 100???"

"No, Silly, you can't."

"Yes, you can!" she insisted.

"Mini Me, ladies who are 100 are too old to have babies."

"YES!!!!!!! You CAN have a baby out of your baby hole at 100!!!!!!"

"Don't yell at me. No, 100 year old women cannot have babies."

"Why not, Mom? Why can't 100 year olds have a baby out of their baby hole?" my 7-yr old son asked.

At about this point I want to shake the kid who told my daughter about baby holes.

"100-year old women are too old to have babies."

"But WHY, Mom?" he wouldn't give up.

"Because by then, their baby hole has dried up." I was really done with this baby hole business.

"Mommy? Did you have a baby out of your baby hole?" Mini Me asked.

"No. Mommy does not use her baby hole, do you, Mom?" Motor Mouth answered.

"Ahhh...Ahhh..." I was not sure how to answer.

"Mommy doesn't use her baby hole, Mini Me. KK and TT had babies out of their baby holes and that is how come Mommy has you and me. Right, Mom?" 

"Yeah, Motor Mouth, that's pretty much how it happened."
I wonder if a c-section counts as a 'baby hole'.

Thankful Thursday - 3 Musketeers

Two of my best friends came to me as a result of hurt and pain suffered in my life and in theirs. Michy Mee, Boobalicious, and I are adoptive moms who met through the adoption agency. If we had not suffered the loss of infertility and the joy of adoption, we never would have met.

My first memory of Boobalicious was at the restaurant the day we met Motor Mouth's Birth Mom. She helped to facilitate the meeting and immediately set us all at ease with her laughter and funny banter. Boobalicious became my go-to person for all sorts of adoption-related and mommy questions. The best gift she gave me was sharing her daughter's breast milk with Mini Me. Now THAT is a friend!!

My most vivid memory of Michy Mee was when she came to our home to deliver meals after Mini Me was born. Michy Mee walked in with multiple dishes of amazing food, set them down, put out her hands and said, "Hand that baby over to me." She then proceeded to love on my daughter as if she were her very own.  Michy Mee started that adoptive family meal program. Later, we were co-chairs on an incredible fundraising banquet that raised boatloads of cash for the adoption agency!!

Of course, I'll never forget my going away dinner and our little shopping trip afterwards. All 3 of us scored big time that night!! It's time for another shopping excursion...

I really love these ladies. We all get 'it'. We understand each other's emotional journey. We were there along the way. The 3 of us are smart, strong, funny, capable women who tell it like it is. No, there is never a dull moment when we are all together and no, you won't get a word in edgewise. But I guarantee you lots of laughs.

We've been there for each other in good times and bad times. There have been times when we weren't talking to each other but we have always picked right up and continued on. We have each other's backs. Recently, we came through our latest fire together and we are as strong as ever.

This fall, the 3 Musketeers are embarking on Chicago.
We are gonna tear this town up!!!

What NOT to say...

I don't think most people mean to be daft and insensitive. But when you are experiencing infertility and adoption, there are some things you really don't need to hear. Such as....

When are you going to start your family?

- I don't have a crystal ball. If I did, I'd win the lottery.

Don't you want children?

- Yes, I do. What I don't want is to be questioned about it.

Are you sure you are doing it right?

- Funny. Hahaha. Would you like to evaluate our home videos?

Oh, you are a 'career' woman.

- Would you rather I sit at home watching soap operas while I await the blessed event?

Just relax and it will happen.

- Seriously? How am I supposed to relax when I'm getting questioned as to when I'm going to have a child every time I turn around?

Your biological clock is ticking. Better get working!

- We work at it every chance we get...

My friend/sibling/cousin/coworker/etc. got pregnant after they adopted.

- I honestly don't need to hear this. Every situation is different.

Don't you have faith for your own child (when told adopting)?

- It takes more faith to believe a stranger will take care of herself while pregnant and then will not change her mind after the birth.

Infertility treatments are messing with God's creation.

- So is taking Tylenol for your headache and having surgery to remove your appendix or your wisdom teeth. Just let that happen naturally.

Do you have some unconfessed sin?

- About as much as you do. Probably even less.

Do you ever feel like God has forsaken you?

- Every. Day.

Were you sexually promiscuous?

- No. Were you?

Are you infertile because of an STD?

- I am so surprised this misconception is out there!

It's so honorable to adopt a child.

- I'm trying to fulfill my heart's desire, not win the Nobel Peace Prize.

We have an adopted child too. We give to a 3rd world country adoption program

- Yeah. Not the same thing, my friend.

Your adopted child is so lucky to have a good home.

- No. We are lucky we get to be parents.

My friend/sibling/coworker/etc. adopted a child and when he/she grew up, they said they hated their parents.

- So what? When I was a teenager, I told my mom I hated her and wished I had different parents. Isn't that a right of passage whether you are adopted or not?

If you have an open adoption, the birth parent will come take the child back.

- Clearly, you have never met a birth parent. She/he would not do that. Statistically not happening.

If God wanted you to be a parent, it would have come naturally

- Right. Like the immaculate conception was natural.

She's an adoptive mom, she doesn't need meals, sleep, support, baby shower, etc.

- Really? Maybe I didn't push that baby out personally, but I'm still doing 2 hour feedings and instead of 9 months warning, I might have had oh, 1 hour warning. And not only do I have to care for a baby and all that, but I also have to meet with the adoption agency and attorneys and social workers and spend time with the birth mom.

I'm sure there are more, but you get the gist of it.

What SHOULD you say?

- I'm really sorry to hear you are having these struggles. I am here for you if you need me.

What SHOULD you do?

- Bring meals over. Throw a baby shower when the time comes. Spa services make great gifts.

Life is NOT Fair!

If life were fair, I'd _________ (fill in the blank). What did you fill it in with? Something great and wonderful?

Our 7-yr old son is on a "that's not fair!" kick lately whenever he is denied something. It could be anything from being told to clean his room to not getting suckers 30 minutes before bedtime.

Motor Mouth's constant declaration that life is not fair has gotten me thinking. Life isn't fair. It really isn't. And I think that is a good thing. We need to throw out our internal scorecards that rate fairness. Too much good comes from the bad in our lives. If life were fair, think of all the amazing experiences you would have missed out on.

When our son says life is not fair, it makes me think of what would have happened if life WAS fair. If life was fair, Motor Mouth's birth mom would have grown up in a safe, loving and caring environment. If life were fair, Motor Mouth's birth mom would not have found herself pregnant at age 15. If life were fair, J and I would have been able to have biological children. If life were fair, we would have never found ourselves needing an adoption agency. If life were fair, we would not have the 2 most incredible and wonderful children that ever lived.

That's right, son, life's not fair. And I'm really glad it's not.

Dead Dreams

Dead Dreams

Jason has attended our church, Grace Fellowship, since he was a child. Now on staff, Jason came up with the new name, “Grace Kids”, for our children's building because he was a Grace Kid. Jason also designed the new children's logo and he spent literally months working on special lighting for the children's building before it opened. When the doctors told us we would probably never have children we were devastated. We made ourselves go to work and keep going even though we wanted to just close ourselves away from everyone. At least twice a week Jason had to walk those children's building halls, knowing he would never have a child who would benefit from the fruit of his labor. 

Late one night, Jason went to Wal-Mart and purchased baby stuff. He arranged it in a big basket and set it in our bedroom as a faith statement. Soon after, Jennifer Hatch, a teacher at our Christian school gave an interpretation of Ezekiel 37:1-10 during staff devotions. We held on to this scripture. Simone even taped it to her computer monitor.

“So I prophesied to my dead dreams like God told me to. And I commanded life to come into my heart's desire. And that inner dream God gave me lived and rose up fully manifested.” 

When Simone took Jazz to the nursery the first time, she was given a new mom's gift pack that contains a bib, bottle, rattle, and fridge magnet all with the Grace Kids logo that Jason designed!! 

After Jason took this picture and put the scripture with it, he realized the sleeper Jazz is wearing was one of the ones he purchased that night. Our once empty sleeper, purchased as a faith statement, now is filled with a beautiful baby boy. What a testament to God's never ending mercy and faithfulness. 

Now the “inner dream God gave us lives and has risen up, fully manifested.” 

His name is Jazz David Paul.

I wrote "Dead Dreams" for our adoption agency's newsletter. We have shared our story at adoption workshops. As a result, we have heard many stories of how Dead Dreams encouraged and helped others. If you have a dream that seems to have tanked, I hope this short version of our story gives you encouragement.

Click to read the original Dead Dreams,
then scroll down to the article.

Mommy Note

Here is yet another reason why I didn't want people to know my kids are adopted. Because adopted mommies don't get included in "Mommy Surveys". We aren't included because people don't want to hurt our feelings. But when we find out about it, it just brings up all of these feelings we have to live with. I love my kids and they each have great adoption stories. I don't regret that. I do miss some of the other stuff.

But I am a writer. And good at editing.

Here is my online editing debut...

Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born! Just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself!

Let's see how much you remember!

1. Was your 1st adoption fast or slow?

FAST! We thought it would take 6 months to a year of waiting, but within 3 weeks of turning in our book, we were parents.

2. Were you signed with an attorney, private agency, foreign agency, or state agency?

Yes! LOL!! We were signed with DHS, Cherokee Nation, had contact with a private attorney, but it was a private agency that made it happen first.

3. What were your reactions?

Scared.

4. Was abortion an option for your birth mom?

No. She never wanted to abort. She was going to parent until she learned about open adoption.

5. How old were you? How old was your birth mom?

I was 33. She was 16.

6. How did you find out you were chosen?

Cell phone call from the Birth Mom.

7. Who did you tell first?

My husband who was in the car next to me. Then J's parents.

8. Did you want to find out the sex of the baby?

J did - he wanted to decorate!!

9. Due Date?

May 2nd. He came 10 days early!

10. Was it a closed, open, or semi-open adoption?

Open. Doesn't get much more open.

11. Did you meet the birth mom before or after the birth?

Met her about 2 weeks before the birth.

12. Did you breast feed or attempt to breast feed?

Tried but I had to go back to work for 4 days after his birth and that put an end to that. I feel l lost some valuable bonding time. I did have a friend who had too much breast milk give us her surplus for at least a month. God bless her!

13. What was your first child's sex?

Boy

14. Did you wish you had the opposite sex of what you were getting?

No I wanted all boys. I didn't know what to do with a girl. J would have loved a girl but was happy with a boy, too.

15. Did the birth mom have any input in naming the baby?

We let her give options for the middle name.

We chose 1 out of the 3 she gave.

16. Did you have a baby shower?

Yes. 3. After the birth.

17. Were the baby showers a surprise?

I knew. Work. Family. Sunday School.

18. Were there any complications with the pregnancy?

She got pre eclampsia at her last doctor's app't. She was taken to a labor & delivery room where she was strapped to monitors. We thought we were going to have a baby on our lunch hour!

19. Where was your baby born?

Hospital in Tulsa

20. How many hours did birth mom labor?

18 hours total if you count the part where she didn't realize she was in labor. 12 hours from the time her water broke. It would have been shorter, but the epidural slowed down the contractions.

21. Who drove you to the hospital?

My husband

22. Who was in the labor and delivery room?

Birth Mom, her house mom, me, my husband, my mom-in-law, doula, some nurses, Dr. Meyers. I cut the umbilical cord.

23. Was it natural or c-section?

Natural.

24. Did you give your birth mom a gift?

Birth Mother Bracelet made by Kathy Short.

27. How much did your child weigh?

6 lbs 12 oz

28. When was your child actually born?

A perfect Sunday in March at 2:10 pm

30. When did you hold your child for the first time?

2:12 pm the day he was born.

31. When was the adoption finalized?

December of same year.

32. How old is your first born today?

He is 6 years old.

I've Hurt My Park Mom's Groupies

Contrary to popular belief, I don't enjoy hurting people. I do think it is funny when people trip and fall. 

Provided they don't get hurt.

Well, I have hurt my Park Mom's Groupies. The first group of ladies I connected with in Chicago are my Mom's Groupies. Last night, I got an e-mail from one of them. She found out from reading my blogs this week that our kids are adopted. It made the ladies feel like they hadn't really known me. It made them wonder what other secrets I'm keeping. I'm really grateful to Eye Girl for sending me the email, confronting me about it all. Now that's a friend!!!!

Basically, here is what I wrote to her 

(slight editing for blog clarity):

I just read (Eye Girl's email) to J who said "I told you this would come back to bite you in the ass."

J and I have argued about this. When we moved to Chicago, I made the decision to not share that we are adoptive parents because I did not want the stigma of being an adoptive mom and therefore 'not a "REAL MOM"' to follow me here. I had people make that comment in Tulsa and I just didn't want to deal with it. I just wanted to live a 'normal' life with OUR children.

It was so nice and refreshing to be a regular mom like all of you. It was the first time I had that experience in over 5 years. I was just a mom. Not an adoptive mom. A mom.

I'm sorry if I hurt you or any of the other ladies. Tulsa was a hard place for me. I never felt like I fit in. J and I were really happy as a couple. But we battled infertility for years and then we went through the whole adoption thing. When J was laid off last January, it was a hard, hard blow. Moving to Chicago was a fresh start.  

It's not that I wanted to reinvent myself. I like who I am. That's why it was hard in Tulsa to work at being something I wasn't so I could fit in. I just didn't want to include adoption in my resume.

However, adoption is a REALLY big part of who we are and what we are. The adoption agency had a volunteer requirement. 100 hours before the adoption could be finalized. We got involved in the agency in March 2003. By December 2003 we had over 500 hours - I stopped counting at 500 that year.

Each year, we racked up even more volunteer hours. We spoke at workshops, designed and created the workshop manuals, I spoke in high schools, mentored girls, J did all the publications, including quarterly newsletters, I represented the agency on the Oklahoma Adoption Coalition, planned 2 fundraising banquets, and redesigned the website, as well as planning an annual birth mother celebration and the 20th anniversary celebration. Plus other stuff.  

We have amazing stories of God's grace and mercy and faithfulness through our adoption experiences. I've short-changed my Park mom's group friends by keeping this a secret. The adoption story really is an hour long. Minimum. (I was asked to share my testimony with the group last year. I stopped at when we got married) When I shared my testimony, I was late picking Motor Mouth up by ending at the marriage part.  

Oh, and you CAN NOT make adoption comments in PUBLIC areas of Facebook. My nieces and nephews are on there and so are some of my cousins. They don't know our kids are adopted. It has to do with stupid comments my extended family has made about the adopted kids in our family. That they weren't 'really' part of the family.

My one adopted cousin is OLDER than me and his parents had been close friends of the family for 20 years before he was born!! His mom died a month after giving birth and my aunt married his dad a year later. My brother adopted his wife's son at age 2. When they divorced, he paid child support because the boy is his son. To me, these boys are family.

I didn't want my kids to face that kind of stigma so I didn't tell the extended family. When you live in a different country, it's easy for people to not know you are or are not pregnant. I wanted them to fall in love with my children before they found out the truth. That way, they would still love them no matter what. I figured my kids would tell them themselves when they got older.

What I did not share with Eye Girl is that J and I argued over not telling my extended family. He wanted to. I didn't. I said I wanted to give my kids a fighting chance. But I wonder if part of it is not wanting to be seen as a failure. Or that my husband was a failure. There is such a range of emotions and mental stuff that goes into to infertility and adoption. I can't even begin to tell you.

Almost 2 years ago, I broke down and told one of my favorite uncles the kids are adopted. It was shortly after Mini Me was born and he was hurt that he hadn't been told I was even pregnant. It seems I hurt a lot of people with my secrets. 

So I tell him and he equates us adopting our kids to him giving money every month to his 'adopted' boy through one of those World Vision type Sponsor a Child things. WTH?? He said what we are doing is admirable. WTH?? We are parenting! I just couldn't deal with anymore of that from family. I decided the closet was a wonderful, warm and cozy place where I wanted to live indefinitely. I went back in and locked the door from the inside.

So, there you have it, my bloggy world. I am partially out of the closet. Didn't mean to hurt people. Just wanted to protect my kids. And me.

Birth Family - A Whole New Family

Without planning it, I began a little mini-bloggeries on our kids' birth moms. Can't talk about the birth moms without mentioning the birth fathers!

Well, okay. I can not mention anything about Motor Mouth's birth father because we don't know who he is or what his name is or anything about him. Other than he is part white and part hispanic or maybe part black. Fortunately, Mini Me's birth father, JJ, has graciously agreed to be Motor Mouth's birth father as well.

We've never met JJ in person. JJ is in prison. Don't knock prison! It can be a good thing. I know where he is and we send letters back and forth. Well, not so much lately. I owe him a Christmas letter. And more pictures. JJ and Mini Me met in February/March when his mom took Mini Me with her to visit him. We have a photo of them together!!! As I said in yesterday's post - I love prison. Without prison, I don't know for sure if JJ would be a part of our lives.

But that is okay, because we have JJ's parents and brothers. We love JJ's family. They are all great people. You can't pick your in-laws, but if I had to pick, I would pick them. And their friend, Fish.

The thing about JJ's family is that we actually have a birth family. Not just a birth mother. A birth family. There are grandparents, great-grandparents, uncles, aunts, great-uncles, great-aunts, cousins, 2nd cousins. Family. A Whole New Family.

The hardest part of JJ's family is managing the whole divorce situation. I've read and heard that you have to be fair to both sides. Equal visit time. Send/give same pictures and info. Coming from families that are intact, this is a whole new world for us. I'm trying to navigate it. I'm sure I've screwed up at times and I'm sure I'll screw up in the future. But I do love both sides. 

They are great people. They treat Motor Mouth as their own. You can't really tell there is a difference. I'm sure it helped that Motor Mouth could actually talk and interact with them, while Mini Me was too little to do much of anything. 

Mini Me has her birth Grandpa's eyes. She looks just like her birth father did in his baby pictures. I know this because her birth Grandmother showed us pictures. There is one picture where she is holding JJ, and it looked exactly like Mini Me. Exactly. Her birth Grandpa's wife showed us pictures from when JJ was older and they were on trips. I love how much JJ's step mother loves him. She always says good things about him and there is a twinkle in her eye when she shows his childhood pictures. She is always positive and that is nice.

Then there are the brothers. I've only met 2/3 of JJ's brothers. One of them lives out-of-state. He hasn't been home in the time we've known the family. Of the brothers I have met, they are both great. 2008 was a big year for the boys - 1 bought and renovated a house (he did a great job) and 1 has a new baby girl (tiny and beautiful)!!!

We didn't have to include JJ or his family. The adoption agency would have been fine if we didn't. But we knew there was this grandmother out there that had a granddaughter. That grandmother deserved to know her son's birth child.  So we set out to find her. And we did. I'm glad we did because she is special to us. We found JJ. And the rest, is history!!

Part 1: Birth Family - A Broken Heart

Part 2: Birth Family - I Love Prison

Birth Family - I Like Prison

Yesterday, in the 1st of my 3-Part Mini Series, 

I discussed how much I miss Motor Mouth's Birth Mom, KK. 

We don't have that sort of relationship with Mini Me's Birth Mom, TT.

We met TT at the hospital, the morning after Mini Me's birth. We got along well. One of the things I love about TT is her tell it like it is attitude. Love it. Love her. TT got a bit weird when it came time to leave the hospital. Then, each time we tried to meet up so she could see the baby, it fell through, from her end. 

We got in maybe 2-3 visits. Then TT disappeared. I found her. I like to know who I am associating with, so I often look people up to see if they have any past arrests, warrants for their arrest, and if they served prison time. Yes, just a little something I do that only my closest friends know about. I also check out the sex offender registry frequently to see who lives near me.

I knew TT had a warrant out for her arrest but I wasn't going to turn her in. She's my child's birth mother! Turns out, she was scared of being turned in, so she left the hospital early and that's why she flaked out on meeting with us. 

Well, she managed to get arrested and put in jail, all on her own. I couldn't visit her in jail, but once she got to prison, we got the permissions we needed and off we went.

I love prison. We were able to develop a relationship with TT while she was in prison. Each month, we drove the 90 minutes to her facility and spent an hour or so with her and Mini Me. You aren't allowed to bring in cameras, so we don't have photos from that time. We visited. We wrote letters. It was great.

Then TT got out. We managed to see her twice after she got out. And that's it!! I didn't know where she was to tell her we were moving to Chicago. Finally, TT contacted us through an adoption agency in September. We talked on the phone and it was all good. Now, I can't even leave her a voice message because her mailbox is full. I tried to let her know we were in Tulsa at Christmas, so we could go see her with Mini Me. Didn't happen.

I love prison. At least you know where a person is when they are locked up.

Part 1: Birth Family - A Broken Heart

Part 3: Birth Family - A Whole New Family

Birth Family - Broken Heart

In the writing of this entry, it morphed into a short, 

3-part series.

Please come back for the rest!

Part 1

Birth Family - Broken Heart

I love Motor Mouth's birth mother, KK. 

But I can count on 1 hand how many times I have seen her in the last 2 calendar years. This breaks my heart. I miss her. She became a part of me and that part is missing. 

At first, I thought open adoption was a crazy idea. I was only into the idea of an open adoption because it was the best thing for our child. The research said he would have less rejection issues and know that he was loved so much by his birth mom (BM).  But I wasn't so thrilled at the time required on my part to build a relationship with the BM. I don't have a lot of girly friend time so that was a scary prospect for me.

Then we met KK. She had no parents. She was so sweet and so smart and so young. Our relationship was more about her than the baby. As he got older, she began to interact with him more. It's easier when the child can talk and reciprocate. 

KK slept at our home. She came to family dinners and was a part of our family. Were things 100% perfect? No. Are any of your relationships 100% perfect? But we loved each other and got along really well. KK is blonde with green eyes. We got a kick out of telling people I was her aunt. It was easier among her peers and allowed me access to her in medical situations. Did I mention how smart and funny she is?

Have you ever met someone that you want to take under your wing and hold and tell them you love them. Bring them into your home to live and make it all right for them? But I can't. As the adoptive mom, I can't do that. I have to let her live her life. I can't protect her from everything. I have to be a mother to Motor Mouth and can't be a mother to KK as well.

Things started to really change in January 2006. KK went off the radar. I managed to track her down in April. We had a few visits. 

2007 was quite a year for her and I just had to sit back and wait. The hardest part is not getting a phone call on Motor Mouth's birthday. I know she knows the day. I know she loves him. I hurt for Motor Mouth when she is not there on his birthday. I think I am most scared that if she doesn't call him or see him now, it could set a pattern and when he is older and it matters, she won't be there. 

We got to see KK in April, at our going away party. It was wonderful to see her again and to spend time with her. Why do I love this girl so much? She is our hero. KK loved her son so much, she made the difficult decision to live apart from him. KK loved her son so much, she took time to study 4 life books, meet with 3 couples, and chose 1. Then, she loved her son so much, she walked out of the hospital, empty-handed, after laboring for over 14 hours. She loved her son so much, she stood before a judge and told her she believed in her decision and thought we would be the best parents for her son. How could we not love that girl? How could we not think she is our hero?

Motor Mouth has some of KK's mannerisms. When he gets excited, he moves his hands in a distinctly KK manner. Sometimes, when I look at Motor Mouth's nose, I see KK's nose. She's a part of my son. A part of who he is.

And so, my heart breaks today because KK is not a vital part of our lives. In our previous relationship with KK, she would have visited us in Chicago at least once already. She would have been at J's family home for Christmas. I miss KK. 

Part 2: Birth Family - I Like Prison

Part 3: Birth Family - A Whole New Family

What Does Adoption Mean?

Motor Mouth asked J what adoption means. 

J told him he grew in KK's belly and we went to the hospital and brought him home. Motor Mouth then said, "Oh. Okay. 'Meet the Robinsons' said adoption." 

It was just a simple question any kid would have asked.