14

J and I were married 14 years ago today. We went from being best friends for 3-1/2 years to being engaged on a phone call.

While being best friends, people - family, friends, strangers - often told us we should get married. We resisted their suggestions. Finally, after about three years, we realized we both had stronger feelings for each other. It took another six months (five of which we refused to talk to each other) for us to get on the same page.

Interestingly enough, those same people that said we should get married suddenly had a change of heart. J was told that if he married me he would be out of God's will for his life. That marrying me would be the worst thing for J to do. That I was going to be the downfall of J. Friends of J refused to attend our wedding. My Canadian friends were not at all sure about this American I was marrying so suddenly.

We had the support of the people that mattered. Our immediate family. They knew our truth.

The plan was to get married in October. Then September. Finally, we looked each other one Monday in August and said: "Why are we waiting? Let's just get married this Friday if we can get it worked out." And we did.

That's when we were asked, repeatedly, if I was pregnant. Nope. Not even overly horny. An immigration attorney laid out my options. Elopement was one of them. So we did. Funny thing is, as we found out years later, J is sterile. Ha! Proof we weren't pregnant when we eloped. ;-)

I never wanted a big wedding. The thought of walking in front of 100+ people staring at me was immobilizing to me. It still is. I can give a speech to 500 people but make the whole event about me? No but thank you.

Eloping with the blessings of our parents and siblings and then having a great big reception at Widney Manor three months later was perfection.

Have the last 14 years been perfection? No. Did we think we were riding off into happily ever after land when we got married? Nope.

We said before we got married that there would be times when we wouldn't want to look at each other. That we would not always be the lovey dovey couple holding hands and sitting next to each other.

There have been hard times for sure. Times that made us question if we would last. But at the core of our marriage is our friendship. We are best friends. Even if we could live without our spouse, we can't live without our best friend.

We still hold hands when we drive together and walk together. We still hug whenever we get a chance. And we still sit next to each other. Unless we have been on a long road trip, we still have a lot to say to each other.

It's been 5,114 days together as man and wife. We are pretty sure we have said "I love you" to each other at least 20,000 times because there is seldom a day that goes by that we don't say or text that we love each other multiple times.

So what do I say to the naysayers? The people that doubted our marriage? They have almost all apologized. Years ago. I've been told that I'm the best thing that ever happened to J. I needed to hear that. But you know, so far, we are the best thing that has happened to each other. I do think that we could get divorced now and our marriage would still be considered a success.

14 years! Cheers to us!

14 Years!

Sharing Life

After 17 years, 7 months of being best friends and 13 years, 11 months of being married, I'm still most excited to be sharing life with my J.

That doesn't mean it's all been sunny skies and open roads. But after each pothole, sharp turn, flat tire, and icy overpass we have been through, I know J has my back and that we will make it through with a few dents, scratches, and some wear and tear, but ultimately it's nothing a coat of paint can't fix.

(Did I go overboard with the metaphors...?)

13 Years

Yesterday was our 13th wedding anniversary.

Our thoughts on marriage have changed so very much since then. I could write a book about.

Bye Bye Bun Bun

I had to take Bun Bun back to the farmhouse a week ago. 

It has been 9 days. I think about her all the time. I miss my Bun Bun.

When J was traveling all summer and the kids were gone, it was me and my rabbit.

I fell deeply, madly in love with her almost at first sight.

The trouble started in the car ride home. J's eyes were watery and swelling and itchy. His throat was itchy too. But we figured it was because we had been in a farmhouse full of rabbits. One little rabbit won't cause that reaction.

Wrong. We should have turned around at the next exit and taken Bun Bun back. My heart would not have broken then. My kids would not have bonded to this sweet creature. 

Instead, we forged on. We fell in love. We learned for sure that J has a rabbit allergy. Who knew?

If J did not work from home when he is town, that would be one thing. If J did not already have this crazy eye affliction that primarily Native American males get, that would be another thing. If J did not do video work that requires him to have his eyes in peak working condition, that would be yet another thing. 

Yes, J could have taken allergy meds. But I'm not going to plug my husband full of drugs so we can keep a pet. Besides, J is my money maker. I need him happy. 

Here are some pics of me and Bun Bun together.

Eating out of my hand

Taking a break under the zebra chair

Coming back for more

Licking my hand

Deciding which bookcase shelf she can fit in

11 Years

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

Why I REALLY Eloped - The Truth

Why did J and I REALLY elope?

Well, to be honest....

The thought of walking down an aisle in front of dozens (or hundreds) of people staring at me made me want to lock myself in a closet and never, ever come out. I often need to visualize things before they happen. When I would visualize all of those people staring at me, I started to panic inside.

Yes, People, I can blog my life - even the icky life stuff. I can speak in front of hundreds of people. I don't shut up and stop talking when one-on-one, or even in a small group setting. But I couldn't stand the thought of being the center of attention at my own wedding. Deep down inside, I am still incredibly shy and can't stand to have people look at me. 

Crazy, eh?

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the real reason why I was thrilled we eloped and have never once regretted getting married the way we did. 

Runaway Bride

I owe being married to the movie...

J, his sister, my sister, and I went to see this movie on July 31st, 1999. It hit home. Julia's character had been engaged 4x without getting married. There I was, engaged again, with a few broken engagements myself. In fact, my mom didn't want to announce my engagement to J to my family because, as she put it, "You never know." Even my own mother had doubts.

Thank you, Julia and Richard

You helped seal the deal

10 years, 2 days

10 Years, 1 day - SHORT Wedding Video

This is our 7-minute wedding video

It is our entire wedding... And then some

We were married at the courtyard of our church in Tulsa

J's parents walked me down the aisle

My family was 'in' my purse (via pictures)

10 Years

August 6th, 1999

Our wedding announcement

1/4 page of the local newspaper

Against God's Plan - Pt 7: He Did WHAT??!!

Tomorrow is our 10th wedding anniversary!!

Do you want to know when I fell in love with J?

We met at the end of November 1995 and became instant best friends. In January 1996, J's cousin had been really mean to me, as only teenaged girls can be. I was crying. The ugly cry. J reached up and wiped the snot off my face with his hand. I fell in love at that moment.

It's nasty, right? But to me, it meant J cared so much about me, that he didn't mind touching my yucky stuff. It meant I didn't have to be perfect or beautiful for J to accept me. I could be me. It meant J would be there with me in the bad times and the good times.

It didn't dawn on me then that J loved me and I loved him. It took years before we figured that out. In hindsight, it's clear we needed to build a friendship that could truly withstand the trials we've endured. Even though people told us we should get married, we weren't ready. There was some living and growing up on both sides that needed to be done before we could handle more than a friendship.

In May 1999, when I told my mom J and I were going to get married, she said, "He loves you. He wiped your snot. J is a good man."

Against God's Plan - Pt 6: Ruckus in a Motel

2 more days to our 10th wedding anniversary!!

I talked about my misconception that to be a good wife, we needed to rock the house twice a day in my post Against God's Plan - Pt 3: Bed Sharing and Other Things They Don't Tell You. My dear friend, Mommy Project, asked if I was serious. Yes. Completely. And she asked how we found time for that twice a day for 8 months.

We traveled extensively with Fly Guy's (my father-in-law) company for the first 8 months of our marriage. J and I provided ground support for the helicopter when they were out-of-town. Fly Guy thought it would be a good experience for me to see the country and better understand the family business. This meant we were on the road a lot, in hotels and, in the smaller towns, motels.

One time, in nowhwere Texas, we returned to our motel room from dropping the pilots at the helicopter after lunch. It was a hot, summer afternoon. About 30+ Hispanic cable company contractors were sitting around outside, playing cards in what shade they could find. There were at least 10 guys spilling out of the room next to ours. They stared pretty intently at us as we went into our room. Like we were famous or something. These men had been working away from their families for at least a month. I thought it was time to give them a production!

I enlisted J's help. I started jumping on the bed to make the springs creak. J grabbed the headboard and began banging it against the wall. Then I started in on the moaning. The moaning got progressively louder and louder and more intense. It was like a symphony. Me jumping on the bed and moaning, J banging the headboard and chiming in with his own guttural inflections. We would crescendo then diminuendo. Stop. And repeat. Those poor cable guys didn't know what hit them.

Against God's Plan - Pt 5: Dead on the Roof

Only 3 more days to our 10th wedding anniversary!!

One night, J decided to get creative. He suggested we go out on the roof and 'be' in the rain. Our bedroom had easy dormer access to the roof.

I refused.

"Do you know what happens to people on roofs in rain storms? They get hit by lightening and die!!" No amount of coaxing would work.

Then lightening struck the house. All the cordless phones and TVs got messed up. It freaked us out. We would have been on the roof at the time. I could just imagine no one finding us for days or weeks and when they did, we would have been burnt crisps of former people.

I saved our lives.

Against God's Plan - Pt 4: She Did WHAT??!!

4 More days to our 10th Wedding Anniversary!!

Strange things happen to my mind when I am sleeping. I cannot and will not be held responsible for anything I say or do while in a state of sleep.

One time, in the first year of marriage, J woke up to me sitting on his chest. Yes. I was sitting on his chest. Let that sink in.

It seems I had dreamt there was a snake in bed next to me. I crawled away from it and woke up to J asking why I was sitting on his chest. Seems I was a bit hysterical. Wouldn't you be if you found a snake in your bed? He calmed me down, showed me there was no snake and put me back to sleep.

What a good man.

Against God's Plan - Pt 3: Bed Sharing & Other Things They Don't Tell You

Less than a week to go to our 10th wedding anniversary!

When we first got married, there were so many things we discovered about married life that no one tells you. And, of course, there are the presumptions of what married life is like that somehow manage to get shattered.

For example, we didn't 'feel married' at first. It's like your birthday. You don't feel any older, regardless of how many times various well-meaning, poor conversationalists ask if you feel older. Part of that for us could be because the only real change was that I moved from the pull-out couch in the office to sleeping in a bed upstairs with Jason at his parents' home. Eventually, after about 6 months, we finally started to 'feel married'.

It took a good year almost for it to really sink in that "I married J Widney". I would repeat it every now and then in complete shock and disbelief. That could be because we had been best friends until that fateful phone call and he was not anything like who or what I had envisioned myself marrying.

And that whole sleeping together thing, wow, TV and movies really skew that one!! I didn't sleep for the first 3 months of our marriage. No, I'm not talking about the sex - I'll get to that later. Pretty much, I had only ever shared a bed with my sister, mom, grandmother, or a niece or nephew. I had to learn how to sleep with a man.

A snoring man. J falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. It takes me 30-90 minutes or longer to fall asleep, even when dead tired. Finally, I told myself his snoring was not going away and I was going to have to figure a way to live with it. I trained myself to breathe when he breathed and look at it as rhythmic music. And I kept the knives as far away as possible to avoid killing him in his sleep.

The arm around each other or his arm under my neck to sleep is a crock they sell you on TV. That is so freaking uncomfortable!! It put J's arm to sleep and I got a kink in my neck. Arrgh! Oh, and snuggling up to each other? Forget it!! He is a furnace at night and I need my blankets (plural). We soon learned it was okay to say goodnight, turn our backs to each other and only touch feet...if that much.

Okay, now for the sex. I somehow got it in my head that to be a good wife, especially a good housewife as I was for the first 8 months, I needed to give up the goods 2x/day. More on his days off and definitely when he was home sick from work. I was diligent. One day, in casual conversation with my father, I mentioned this philosophy of mine. "What? You're killing the man!" was my dad's response. "Are you joking, Dad? I really can hurt him?" "I don't know about hurt him, but give the poor guy a break." Oh.

Poor J. When he was sick, I was all up in his business, trying to do my duty. One day, I was really sick. J tried to get all up in my business but I wasn't having it. "I'm sick. I don't want to!!" I said. "You don't want to because you are sick and don't feel like it?" J said. "Yeah." "Well then leave me the hell alone when I'm sick." he replied. Oh.

Why don't people tell you these things?

P.S. If J tells you I talk in my sleep, or worse, I pass gas in my sleep, don't believe him. You know me by now, you know I'd NEVER do such things.

Against God's Plan - Pt 2: Icky Life Stuff

J and I have been together for 13 1/2 years. The first 3 1/2 we were best friends. We went from being best friends to engaged in a long-distance phone call and about 2 months later, we were married. Yesterday, I discussed how 'Against God's Plan' our marriage was.

When we were best friends, people - strangers even - would tell us we HAD to get married because we were such good friends. We thought they were crazy and that marriage would end our wonderful friendship. And we were right. It kinda has.

In the mire of life, the always laughing and joking part of our friendship has waned. It's not the giggle fest it used to be, but we still laugh and play often. Mainly that's my fault for taking life so seriously. (Shhh, don't tell J I admitted that!).

When I was single, a lady at work told me her and her husband were not friends. Being young and foolish, I didn't understand why she thought it was important. I had best friends (usually girls) and I had boyfriends (always boys). It wasn't until I married my best friend (a boy) and we went through infertility and all the icky life stuff that I realized how crucial the core friendship was to the survival of our marriage. If we weren't best friends, I don't think we would have made it to 9 years, 51 weeks and 1 day.

Against God's Plan - Pt 1: She's A Bad Influence

Our 10th wedding anniversary is in 1 week from today. The closer we get, the more I think about where we are in our relationship, how far we've come, but mostly how wrong people were about us getting married....

There was opposition. Not from J's parents - they walked me down the aisle to make sure we got married. They weren't letting me go! Gotta love them for that.

I think of all the people who told J NOT to marry me - seems I was a bad influence. Can you believe people told J not to marry ME?? Ahahaha!! For real. Me. Not good. Lord, I'm one of the best things that happened to that boy!

To all the people who thought we were pregnant and that's why we got married so quickly... Hahahahaha!! Not only were we not pregnant, come to find out years later, we couldn't even GET pregnant.

Crazy drama was beginning to unfold with the big wedding we planned for October which is why we moved it to September. The first Monday in August, we looked at each other and asked "Why are we waiting?" We eloped that Friday. It was the best decision for us. Each time we attend a wedding, it reaffirms how right our decision was for us. Perhaps our marriage was against God's plan, but we don't think so (most days, at any rate...)