Restroom Refuge

I read a blog post about a parent that found out her kindergarten aged son was having problems in school due to a newly diagnosed anxiety disorder. At some point in her story, she was locked in her bathroom with her laptop and wine when her daughter came racing in to tell her that the son was choking to death (under the father's supervision). For clarity, her bathroom has a vanity desk so she's not balancing her laptop on her lap while... And the boy was fine. So fine, he was able to clearly vocalize his fact.

The following comment was made: "I dunno, I'm not a parent, but if you're locking yourself in the bathroom with wine, for any reason, for any length of time, while a member of your family has just nearly choked, I'd say that in lay person's terms your family dynamic is just a bit stuffed. No wonder the kid is anxious."

To which I commented: "Trust me, as a parent, sometimes the only sanity we can get is to lock ourselves in our bathrooms with wine and let our families sort themselves out through natural selection or some other means by which we are able to have just a few moments of rational, adult, non-child, family or partner directed thought."

There are times when I literally lock myself in one of our three bathrooms and, well, hideout from my kids and husband. I'm sure when my kids get older they will laugh and make fun of how long Mom used to sit on the toilet!!! I'll be the first to admit that my legs have gone numb, revived and gone numb again. I have asked the kids: "Do I harass you when you are trying to poop?" Sometimes, I didn't even poop. I was just in the need of a quiet room in which to sit where interruptions were frowned upon. Often with the light off. Usually with my iPhone. It's my only chance at sanity before the kids' bedtime.

So, single people with no children, don't judge us parents. We do the best we can at the moment. Not every parenting moment is a shining star moment but it is what we can manage. Don't judge us for needing to slip away from our children for 10, 20, or 60 minutes. Some days we need a few minutes to recharge and get a fresh perspective. Or at the very least, a better attitude.

(Photo credit: www.beforeitsnews.com)

Blow Dry

I cut my hair cut the other day. I had her blow dry it. Seems I caused quite a stir everywhere I went as most people have not seen me with straight hair in years. Sigh.

How To Be Friends With Your Ex

As soon as couples break up, one of them always says: "Can we still be friends?" And the other person thinks: "Hell no." But says: "Yeah. Sure."

It IS possible to have a long-lasting, mutually enjoyable relationship with your ex. I am happy to say that I have managed to remain friends with almost all of my exes.

One of the main keys to remaining friends with your ex is to:

END THE RELATIONSHIP WELL.

Don't think that you can cuss someone out and tell them all about how horrible they are, show up at their job, call their friends or family, toss their stuff, act all crazy, and then turnaround and be besties next week. Be gracious during a break up, whether you do the breaking or not.

What SHOULD you do after a break up? Here's a few pointers...

1. Calm Your Inner Crazy
That means you don't act crazy and mean and hateful during or after the breakup. Don't rip up or toss their stuff don't withhold their stuff. Dont tear up or burn your pics together. Don't stalk them. Don't stalk their social media. Basically, do NOT go Lifetime movie on them.

2. Go Silent
Give each other time and space. That means that you don't text, email, write letters, or call your ex a bunch of times after the breakup. Stop finding excuses to connect.

3. Grieve
There are five stages of grief:
- denial and isolation
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- anger
I think there is one more stage not included in this list: Forgiveness. You might be going through all stages in one day. Or it could take months. Give yourself and your ex time.

4. Get Busy
Women, this is your time to reconnect with your friends you didn't have time for when you were consumed in love with your man. It's also a great time to take a class or join a gym like you've been wanting to but never had time to.

When women break up, they cry in their Ben & Jerry's for a month. When guys break up, they call their guy friends and are out looking for women the next day! Whether you are crying in your Ben and Jerry's or hooking up with Ben and Jerry or Karen and Kelly, get out there and live your best life!!! And use protection.

5. We Have Children
If you have children together you will be in each other's lives for the rest of your lives. For the best interest of your children, you MUST develop a civil, open, honest relationship with your co-parent. I'm not saying you have to be their friend. I'm saying that you must get to a point where you can talk to your co-parent without yelling, without getting emotional, without jumping right back into old communication patterns. I'm saying that you have to stop referring to your ex by a derogatory name/term with your friends and family. Trust me, your kids are hearing that. Lay the ground work with your new partners immediately - they are not permitted to bash your ex. That's your prerogative only. Also, tell your new partners that your ex is YOUR ex and that because you have a child(ren) with this person, it is important for you to treat your ex with RESPECT and that your new partner should not confuse respect for love or a desire to rekindle anything. Keep ALL communication with your ex about your child(ren). You have nothing to talk about other than your child(ren)'s medical, educational, emotional, educational, spiritual needs. Not the leaky roof, not the car, not your mutual friends, not the past.

WHEN DO WE GET TO THE FRIENDS PART?

In maybe six months or a year or more, touch base and see how they are doing. Regardless of who breaks up with whom, the end of a relationship is a loss. There is a grieving process. One party may have started that process before the relationship officially ended. Either way, time is needed to heal the wounds from that relationship and to MOVE ON. This is not a "how to get my ex back" post. This is how to MOVE ON and start a NEW friendship with a former love.

Respect
You also need to respect that some people do not ever want a friendship with an ex. And be honest. Was your relationship based on sex? If so, there may have never actually been a relationship in the first place. In that case, move on because there wasn't a base of friendship to start.

Motives
Examine your motives for a friendship. Are you trying to get back together? Keep tabs on them? Are you trying to make sure those months or years together were not wasted or get answers? You may never get closure or the answers you want to hear. Are you trying to get a booty call?

What to Say
When you do touch base, keep it light. Don't walk down memory lane or rehash old wounds at first, if ever. Talk about the current. Take it slow. Talk about the things you like in common. Be genuinely happy for the other person if they are in a relationship. Respect that relationship and back off if necessary.

Move Forward
The key to being friends with your ex is to move forward. Don't live in the past. Don't expect to rekindle old love. Respect each other's new life. Remember that remaining friends is a bonus.

Booty Calls
A final word about booty calls. If you truly want to be friends with your ex then the booty calls cannot happen. Just don't go there. Keep the conversation clean. Stay away from any comments, touching, locations that might cause intimacy. Booty calls plus friends are just a recipe for disaster. And by disaster, I mean pain for one or both of you. It will not end well. 

The Economy of Marriage

Each marriage has it's own economy and no one outside that marriage fully understands what that economy is. It is an economy unique to that specific relationship. It is an economy that works only for that couple.

When I refer to no one outside the marriage fully understanding, I refer to parents, best friends, children, siblings, co-workers, lovers, etc. Only the couple understands the nuances of the marriage economy and how it is structured.

Ever wonder how it is that so many people cheat but never leave their spouse? It's the economy of marriage. The cheater is in that marriage for a solid reason that is working for them. The cheater is going to stay in that marriage as long the economies of that marriage are still functional. Doesn't matter how sweet the cash on the side is. The economy of that marriage often prevails.

Ever wonder why someone stays in a marriage that is not working from the outside looking in? The economy of that marriage is still working internally for that couple. Bill and Hilary. Why hasn't she left him? The economy of their marriage is working for them. Wolf of Wall Street. DiCaprio's second wife could manipulate him because she knew the power she had over him.

It's like any economy. It could be robust and lush with cash. Side deals may be going on. Some marriages are like savings accounts where you keep putting in but never take out. Or you have that goodwill saved up so when the rainy day hits, you have reserves to pull you through.

Most marriages start out with a big cash inflow into the economy. That's the joys of dating and new love. Then the icky life stuff happens. It leaves some marriages living paycheck to paycheck (week to week), some marriages are overdrawn but they keep plugging at it.

Some marriages do go bankrupt. Sometimes, like a financial bankruptcy, it could give the couple a fresh, new start. Or, it could ruin the marriage completely. An affair or crisis, like infertility, can either make or break the bank. If it makes it, there was probably some shuffling and reorganization of assets going on.

And there are those marriages that run on credit with HIGH interest. You know the ones. One spouse seems to be running the show and you have no idea why. Perhaps the one spouse has something on the other and uses it for control.

Whatever the economy of a marriage, outsiders are seldom, if ever privy to the source of the economy. Every relationship has an economy. What are some of the sources marriage economies?

Secrets.
Children.
Affairs.
Finances.
Innocence.
Kindness.
Emotional.
Guilt.
Fear.

I could go on and on but you get it. In each marriage there is some sort of economy that keeps that couple together. Or tears them apart eventually.

Think about it. What is the economy of your relationship?


Photo credit: http://m.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Family/2008/1117/p17s01-lifp.html

He Likes Me!

Wilson snuggled in on me. I think he likes me......!

Spotting Beauty in the Rubble

Our dog, Wilson, was a stray that was rescued. When Wilson was at the shelter he was overlooked by everyone. It's kinda obvious why. J and I saw that his potential. I feel sad that people ignored Wilson at the shelter. But I'm glad too! Their loss is our gain.

The first pic of a big shaggy dog is Wilson when he first got to the shelter.

The second pic is what Wilson looked like after a shave.

The third pic is what Wilson will look like in a month or two.

Meet Wilson Woodrow Widney

Wilson is our adorable little mini poodle mix. We adopted Wilson from a no kill shelter in Chicago.

He is perfect for us!!! We know poodles very well, he doesn't shed, he's housebroken, has all of his shots, is laid back, friendly, and is good with our kids.

The kids used their own Target gift cards (bday gifts from friends) to outfit Wilson with toys, harness, poop bags, etc. we want them to take some responsibility for dog ownership.

Right now, Wilson is sleeping on my lap. He is exhausted after a walk with The 3 M's (Motor Mouth, Mini Me, and me). Perfect end to a perfect day!

Happy Birthday, BFF!!!

My BFF came to town!!! We spent four days celebrating my BFF. J and I had a great time getting caught up with our dear friend.

It's been so long since I've seen him that I took way more pics than usual and I kept touching him - kind of like pinching him b/c I couldn't believe he was really there!

Overnight Camping Trip

For the first time in 11 years, Motor Mouth was away from us for three days and two nights without family.

It was hardest on me b/c I literally spend almost every waking hour with MM. His home room is right next to my office. I watch him practice swimming for two hours/day, five days/week. We are always together. He loves his momma.

MM had a great time shooting bows and arrows, collecting maple syrup, telling scary ghost stories around a campfire, taking a midnight moonlit stroll, hugging trees....

Motor Mouth Birthday

Our little boy is 11 years old now!!!

My heart swells with love when I think of the outpouring of love we received when Motor Mouth was born. Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers were so happy for us to realize the answer to our prayers and fruition of our dreams.

We celebrated Motor Mouth's birthday with lunch at one of his favorite restaurants followed by the LEGO Movie and cupcakes. Grandparents and his birth mom wished him a happy birthday before bedtime. We celebrated with his classmates with ice cream treats.

Motor Mouth is a smart, hard-working young man that is a good friend, funny, loving, kind, tender hearted, and has a strong moral compass. He sets goals and works to achieve them. We are so proud and honored to be Motor Mouth's parents.

Mini Me Birthday

Our baby girl is 8 years old now!!!

I remember the first time I laid eyes on my daughter. I loved her immediately. She was beautiful.

For eight years we have been honored with being her parents. Mini Me is delightful. She is smart, funny, out-going, witty, sharp, loving, kind, generous. I love her so much.

On her birthday I took ice cream treats in to her classmates then we went to dinner at her favorite BBQ place. Each of us took turns sharing our top the three favorite things about Mini Me. She was ecstatic. After picking up cupcakes, we went home where we played family board games and watched Frozen. Right before bedtime we called all of her grandparents (adopted & biological) and godparents so they could wish her a Happy Birthday. Mini Me felt loved and celebrated.

Is My Boyfriend / Spouse / Partner Cheating?

I caught the tail end of Bethenny's talk show segment where men were talking about cheating. One man made a comment that has me ANGRY! He said: "If YOU THINK your partner is cheating on you, he ALREADY IS."

Are you kidding me? Really? Because you think it is so then it is so?! No. No, that is NOT so. Too often women (and some men) ruin an otherwise great relationship because of jealousy and insecurity.

I have a friend who is an amazing man. Let's call him....Mike. Mike fell completely in love. How in love? He switched jobs and moved to another city three states away from ALL of his friends, family, and children JUST to be closer to his girlfriend. Let's call her Rosie.

A few months in, Rosie started saying she thought he was cheating on her. He assured her he loved her and was not cheating on him b/c he was NOT cheating on her. Mike was so in love w/Rosie all he did was talk about how great she was and how happy he was with her. Ad nauseum.

Mike went to work and straight home. Otherwise, they were together. Mike had no friends or family in this new city he recently moved to. He was supporting Rosie and her kids as she had lost her job.

For months of this relationship, Rosie accused Mike of cheating. Mike stopped calling, texting and emailing all of his friends and drastically reduced how often he communicated with his MOTHER and siblings. Nothing was enough for this woman.

I wondered what he would tell me if a man I was dating became so possessive of me and through his extreme, unwarranted jealousy managed to get me to cut off myself from everyone who loved me.

In the end, it was her insane jealousy and false accusations of cheating that did the relationship in. She kicked him out b/c she couldn't trust him. Turns out she was just testing him. That weekend, Rosie begged Mike to return. Begged. Too late. Good God, Women! If you want your man to stay then don't kick him out!!!

Rosie lost a good man b/c she couldn't trust a man. Any man. If you can't trust a man that spends all of his free time with you, is not on the phone when with you and gives up his established life to move to your city to be with you, then YOU have a problem.

Let this be a lesson to you. If you THINK your partner is cheating but you have no proof, other than your "hunch" then hold off. Get proof or evaluate whether you are transferring a past love's mistakes on your new love. Or maybe, it's your guilty conscience b/c you were the cheater all along.....

What a Week!

Last week was quite a week!!!

We had what we hope was the last snowstorm of a very hard winter season. So done with snow, ice, frigid temps.

Mini Me was sick. J stayed home with her for two days. She took her own temp and texted the pic to J downstairs.

It is enrollment season at work. I sent a crazy number of acceptance letters this week. We are very fortunate to be increasing enrollment each year.

Friday night, after a long day at State, J had a mini movie shoot. I think it was actually a major shoot considering how many scenes they did and how many people were in my house!!! At 5:30 pm J says: "Oh, we are going to film in our laundry room." The crew and actors were scheduled to arrive between 5:30 & 6:00...! Good thing my whole house was tidy.

Our dear friend came to town. Kids had a fun time entertaining him and being entertained by him. He even spent Sunday with us at the pool watching MM race.

Mini Me turns 8 on this week. Their Hunger Games Themed birthday party is on Saturday. Then Motor Mouth turns 11 after that.

State Championship 2014

Our boy competed in the 9/10 Boys State championship meet this weekend.
He did great, had fun, and came home with a couple of medals.

MM placed:

- 6th in the 50 Freestyle

- 7th in the 100 Freestyle

- 9th in the 50 Butterfly

- 11th in the 100 Butterfly

- 12th in 200 Freestyle

- 16th in 100 Individual Medley

That's in the WHOLE STATE of Illinois!!!

There's a pic of MM signing his team board.
He accomplished best times in all six of his individual events.
He also had two relay events. 

And there is a pic of MM with his coach.

Self-Sufficient

Mini Me wasn't feeling well.

She texted this pic to J, who was downstairs.

Best Great Grandmother

J's Grandma Barbara was a wonderful lady. I loved her so very much and miss her daily. Grandma Barbara was a Widney Woman. I'm honored to carry the same last name as her.

Look at how much joy her first great grandchild brought to her. We really enjoyed meeting up with Grandma Grandma and Grandpa Grandpa often.

Be Afraid

No words. Just pray for us - we have to live with this....

Lotta Hair

And to think, she was pretty much bald until she was 2-1/2 years old...

Cute Flashback

J sent me a bunch of old pics a couple days ago. 2yr old Motor Mouth was SO CUTE!!!!!!

What Do You Call Your In-Laws?

During lunch with work colleagues this week, I learned that most people don't call their in-laws anything. It was confirmed by a survey of my fellow swim parents.

Most people said they just look at their MIL or FIL and start talking. Or when they call them they just say "Hi" and whatever they called for.

Most people said they do not feel comfortable calling their in-laws "Mom" or "Dad" b/c they have their own parents and that is just weird. Some do but it was hard at first. Seemed like they were betraying their parents whether alive or deceased. And that it still feels weird.

Some said they call them by their first name. But it's weird. And calling them "Mr." or "Mrs." Was even more weird so they didn't.

Most people said their in-laws invited them to call them "Mom" or by their first name. But calling them by their first name seems disrespectful to most of us.

When kids came in the picture calling them "Grandma" or "Grandpa" was MUCH easier. Bit of a relief, really.

Interestingly enough, calling their spouses grandparents "Grandma" and "Grandpa" never seemed to be an issue for anyone.

Personally, I never felt comfortable calling my in-laws "Mom" and "Dad." It always felt awkward and not authentic when I did. They are barely older than me (I married their oldest son and I'm 4 years older than him. They were like, 19 or 20 when they had him). Besides, I have my own real, good, healthy parents alive.

My SIL never seemed to have a problem calling them mom and dad. But she is the age of their youngest child and grew up calling them "Mom" and "Dad" when she was teenaged BFFs with her now SIL. I still call many of my childhood friends' parents "Mom" or "Dad" cause I always did growing up.

My in-laws had a German exchange student that called my MIL "Donny-Mommy." That felt like being a copycat to me so I modified it to "Donna Momma." That's what I called her for years. All my Tulsa friends and many of her former co-workers called her that too.

I have always called my FIL by his first name. Now I just refer to him as "Grandpa." I think he prefers that because when he calls me on the phone he says, "Hi, this is Grandpa."

See, it's awkward for them, too! LoL