Weeding

There are people in our lives that we think we need to be there. It could be a parent, a sibling, a friend, a spouse. But in fact, our lives would be better if we limited or ended their involvement in our lives.

My mother has always said that "people only know what you tell them." She is right. If I keep sharing my life challenges with someone that filters everything through a lens that makes me feel marginalized then I need to stop sharing my life with that person.

If I have been saying for years that I need "X-y-z from you and not 1-2-3" and all you do is laugh and joke about me saying what I need from you then I need to stop sharing my life with you, regardless of the title you hold in my life.

A friend of mine has been telling her husband what she needs from him for years. She has asked him to go to counseling together, gave him the numbers for his own individual counseling and still no change. He loves her dearly and she loves him dearly but their marriage is ending.

If we really want the honor of being in someone's life, we have to do our work just as much as they have to do their work.

When we finally take the leap to release someone from our lives it can be liberating. At first it may be difficult to hold back from calling that person. But I can tell you from personal experience that it is refreshing.

There are family members I have not spoken to in years. These are people I loved dearly. But since cutting them out of my life, I have had greater peace and freedom. I don't have to hear about their gossip. Interestingly enough, the latest dumb ass thing that Cousin Dumb Ass did does not add to my life and I don't need to know about it. I am happy to live in blissful ignorance of their dumb ass antics. It is a liberating place to be.

I think it is harder to limit the interaction with people you have to deal with. For example, a co-worker or former spouse, or just one parent. Especially if it is someone you honestly love and want to be in relationship with but for your own protection, you can't. Each interaction after that initial one has to be well thought through and each interaction you hold back a little more and a little more.

The art of deflection becomes key. On Monday, when your co-worker asks about your weekend you say "It was great! Tell me about yours." That way, they think you have shared when really they did. Or if your mother asks how you are all doing, you say, "Everyone is well on this end. How are things going at your job (volunteer work, church, etc.)?" Again, she thinks you shared when you didn't.

Good luck with your weeding!

Raising Children with Character

Our kids live amazing lives. Just looking at this 3-year review is proof that they are lucky kids to dress cool and have cool hair and live in a cool city.

More than that, they have already had amazing experiences. The kids go to world class museums every few weeks. They live in a world class city that they have explored on foot, car, and public transit. They attend a great school that is as diverse in its teaching as it is culturally, socio-economically and ethnically. They have experienced eating foods from around the world.

The kids have family in Tulsa where they experienced mid-America to the fullest with cousins their age, doting grandparents, horses, 4-wheelers, boats, fishing, etc. and family in Canada where they experienced older cousins that treat them like a niece or nephew, swimming, hot tubs, church with Granny and Pappa, Trinidadian food and culture.

While we know our children are beautiful on the outside, it is the inside we are most concerned about. We want our kids to be beautiful on the inside. To have strong character. To make choices based upon a strong moral and ethical standard instilled in them.

They are adopted. We want them to have a strong sense of self and family belonging. They have been told: "You are a Widney and Widneys tell the truth (don't steal, work hard, don't litter, etc.) They have open adoptions with their birth families. Knowing where they came from and their people of origin is important in self-awareness. As is knowing their birth moms loved them SO much they chose us to be their parents.

We are Christians. We strive to be honest with our kids about what it means to be a Christian. That when we say all people are equal, we mean all people and not just a chosen few. When we say love your neighbor we mean their Muslim and Hindu friends, the gay couples that are like aunts and uncles to our kids, and understanding that the beggar on the street could be any one of us.

We teach our kids about sex when they are developmentally ready. First, we let them see us kissing and hugging. The best thing we can do for our children is to love each other and let the kids see that love modeled in a healthy, daily setting. We want to be our children's experts so we don't shy away from their questions and we answer them honestly and directly.

We have trained our children to be polite and respectful from the time they could wave "Bye Bye." And blow kisses. As toddlers they were taught to look someone in the eye when shaking hands. Shyness and hiding behind our legs upon meeting a stranger was not acceptable. And we used big words like "inappropriate" and "unacceptable" and "incredible" with them from babies because kids are not dumb and can process tone and manner as part of language.

Somewhere in there we strive to let our children be who they are. One is a conservative and the other is a free spirit. They have individual interests and we try to foster those interests and be supportive of them.

We set rules and boundaries and give rewards, accolades and encouragement. They are disciplined in an age appropriate manner because tapping a toddler's hand when touching the outlet works the equivalent of taking away electronics usage works from a 10-yr old. They have set activities they need to do every day to make life run smoothly for themselves and our family unit.

We spend time together. Eat dinner together. Ask about each other's day, the "Top 3," and "How could you have made someone's life better or easier today?" We go everywhere together. Scare each other whenever possible and have special memory building activities like Pizza Monday and Family Friday.

All this and yet still we know that one day, our kids will talk to their therapist about how we messed up their lives and childhoods. Sigh. Still, we trudge on in our effort to raise children of character with lots of character.

Children's Eye Dr

Mini Me and I like to make faces and do silly stuff behind the doctor's back. So much fun.!

Kit Kat Cake with Smarties

Happy 1st Day of School!!!

School started today, on a Wednesday, so I thought I should bring back our Widney Wednesday tradition with this back-to-school trait.

I have been wanting to make this cake for months! Tonight, all things combined to make it a reality. The kids were ecstatic when they saw the cake. It made it so worth it!!!

Smarties
These Smarties are like M&Ms but better. They are from my homeland, Canada. My BFF, Usher, brought a bunch back for me after his last business trip up there. (Thanks, Usher!) No BFF? Use M&Ms. 8 King-sized boxes.

Kit Kat
I used King-sized bars. The bars automatically break at the 4-piece mark which is handy. 5 King-sized bars.

Cake and Icing
Normally I make cakes from scratch. I asked J to bring home a cake mix and icing last week. (Thanks, Babe!) I don't like chocolate cake or icing so I used vanilla. But do what makes you happy.

I used two round cake pans (square would be easier), let them cool, cut the tops off to get a smooth top. I put the bottom cake on a vintage white Ikea plate (that just means I've had the plate set for 21+ years). Icing. Flip the top cake so the bottom becomes the top of the cake. Icing the top and sides.

Layer Smarties on top. I didn't do this but wish I had - put Smarties on the sides of the cake. Warning! Don't overload the top with Smarties. They will fall everywhere when you cut in to it!!!

Put Kit Kat bars on the sides. Might need a second person if you put Smarties on the sides.

Get your incredibly creative and artistically gifted husband to tie the ribbon around it all to hold it together.

Remove ribbon before cutting.

Enjoy!!!

Truth Time
As I sat down to eat my dessert while watching a documentary with J, I accidentally hit J's knee with the hand holding my cake. It went flying everywhere!!!!

1st Day of School 2013-14

Mini Me = Grade 2
Motor Mouth = Grade 5

Good Night and Good Bye

Is it just me or do you make sure you kiss your kids goodnight and goodbye and tell them you love them in case they die or you die?

I mean, I do it because I really do love my kids and want them to "have sweet dreams, sleep tight and not let the bed bugs bite" and to "have a great day at school/camp/etc." But I also look at them a moment longer in case it is the last time I see them. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one that does that because I'm insane and maybe a bit superstitious.

Merit Badge

I'm going to start embroidering these and handing them out when people earn them.

IKEA Hack - Borgsjo

When we moved in to our new place we realized pretty quickly that there was not enough storage for our base kitchen needs as a family of four.  

We planned to get 2-3 upper kitchen cabinets like the ones that were installed during the kitchen rehab. We figured the upper cabinets would be perfect lower down as they are tall for ease of working on counter space and narrow so as to not take up lots of floor space. Excited, we ordered a custom butcher block counter. The warmth of the butcher block would warm up the kitchen with it's stainless appliances, white and black granite counters and white backsplash with stainless tiles

Then we went to order the cabinets and got sticker shock! For months we tried to come up with creative solutions that were not outrageously expensive. Nada. Nothing. Zip. We had specific dimensions because the butcher block was cut and paid for! Tall (at least 32"). Narrow (max 18.5"). Wide (less than 72"). 

For months we searched online and locally, home stores, closeouts, etc.  I even found this amazing blue cabinet on Craigslist that was almost perfect. One day, we went to Ikea for a nightstand. I came upon this brown cabinet and said "How about this for the kitchen?" I fully expected there to be some reason to keep moving on. 

But this Borgsjo cabinet was perfect. Especially the price!!! We got quickly snapped up two cabinets and decided to get the plain doors.  There are options for glass inserts.

 

We painted the kitchen wall in chalkboard paint. Let it sit for three days like the can says. I put together the cabinets. I held the cabinets together while J used a screw gun to screw the cabinets to each other at the top and bottom on the inside. And I held it steady while J screwed the tops of the cabinets to the bottom of the butcher block. 

The Borgsjo cabinet doors come with round brown knobs. The Ikea online catalog makes it look like the knobs are silver. Maybe they are but the floor model and the package we brought home had brown knobs. I had stainless drawer knobs leftover from another project - they match the main cabinet pulls perfectly - so I used those and tossed the brown ones. 

There is so much storage now! One side has all of our pots and pans, mixing bowls, and juice jugs. The other side has all of our party plates, glasses, and even a few appliances. I'm amazed at how much I am able to store in the cabinets and still have them look neat and tidy without being cramped or hard to access.

We are pleased with the finished results. The doors even match our existing cabinets. We got it all for less than we would have paid for one set of cabinets. Thanks, Ikea!

The bar stool is great for friends or kids to keep me company in the kitchen. But we are planning to build a wine rack there instead one day. Until then, we are enjoying our Ikea Hack!

Summer Party 2013

I promised the kids a summer party. They invited a bunch of friends and they had a blast for four hours one Saturday evening. Clearly, one group was more free-spirited than the other...

Chalkboard Paint in Kitchen

I love this frame! We painted one wall in our kitchen with chalkboard paint. To add a bit of oomph, we repurposed this frame. 

About 12 years ago, we were driving through Catoosa, Oklahoma when I spotted an old bronze-ish, gold-ish frame with a '70's landscape scene inside. I yelled for J to "Stop the car!" I don't think I paid even $10 for it. 

J spray painted the frame gold. We had a mirror installed in it. The new framed mirror adorned the wall in our guest bedroom at Widney House in Tulsa for years. 


Then we moved to Widney Loft in Chicago. The mirror came apart from the frame in the move. It is actually a hollow plastic frame that just barely handled the mirror in the first place. J spray painted the frame gray and hung the empty frame on an orange wall next to white accessories. 

Then we moved to Widney Crib (in Chicago still). Once we painted the chalkboard wall we knew just the thing it needed - the frame! J spray painted the frame blue. And now here it sits on our kitchen wall. 

One frame that has been reinvented three times. Gotta love spray paint and garage sales!

Regional Meet

Motor Mouth made it to the Regional swim championships! He made it to Regional and State and did great. So proud of the hard work he has put into swimming this past year. 

Motor Mouth on podium for 2nd place finish at Regional swim meet! He is the one in the gray t-shirt and black swim trunks and red ribbon. He won a few medals at the meet.

The Boy Made State!

Here are the events our boy qualified for at the State meet. Five individual and two team events. Going to state was a great experience. Really proud of Motor Mouth!

Evening Entertainment

Why don't more people leave their curtains open?

New Do

Mini Me has been asking to have her head shaved for months. J finally obliged. She LOVES it!!!

14

J and I were married 14 years ago today. We went from being best friends for 3-1/2 years to being engaged on a phone call.

While being best friends, people - family, friends, strangers - often told us we should get married. We resisted their suggestions. Finally, after about three years, we realized we both had stronger feelings for each other. It took another six months (five of which we refused to talk to each other) for us to get on the same page.

Interestingly enough, those same people that said we should get married suddenly had a change of heart. J was told that if he married me he would be out of God's will for his life. That marrying me would be the worst thing for J to do. That I was going to be the downfall of J. Friends of J refused to attend our wedding. My Canadian friends were not at all sure about this American I was marrying so suddenly.

We had the support of the people that mattered. Our immediate family. They knew our truth.

The plan was to get married in October. Then September. Finally, we looked each other one Monday in August and said: "Why are we waiting? Let's just get married this Friday if we can get it worked out." And we did.

That's when we were asked, repeatedly, if I was pregnant. Nope. Not even overly horny. An immigration attorney laid out my options. Elopement was one of them. So we did. Funny thing is, as we found out years later, J is sterile. Ha! Proof we weren't pregnant when we eloped. ;-)

I never wanted a big wedding. The thought of walking in front of 100+ people staring at me was immobilizing to me. It still is. I can give a speech to 500 people but make the whole event about me? No but thank you.

Eloping with the blessings of our parents and siblings and then having a great big reception at Widney Manor three months later was perfection.

Have the last 14 years been perfection? No. Did we think we were riding off into happily ever after land when we got married? Nope.

We said before we got married that there would be times when we wouldn't want to look at each other. That we would not always be the lovey dovey couple holding hands and sitting next to each other.

There have been hard times for sure. Times that made us question if we would last. But at the core of our marriage is our friendship. We are best friends. Even if we could live without our spouse, we can't live without our best friend.

We still hold hands when we drive together and walk together. We still hug whenever we get a chance. And we still sit next to each other. Unless we have been on a long road trip, we still have a lot to say to each other.

It's been 5,114 days together as man and wife. We are pretty sure we have said "I love you" to each other at least 20,000 times because there is seldom a day that goes by that we don't say or text that we love each other multiple times.

So what do I say to the naysayers? The people that doubted our marriage? They have almost all apologized. Years ago. I've been told that I'm the best thing that ever happened to J. I needed to hear that. But you know, so far, we are the best thing that has happened to each other. I do think that we could get divorced now and our marriage would still be considered a success.

14 years! Cheers to us!

14 Years!

Family Shift

You'd think that with their own bedrooms, a new playroom and an upstairs living room to themselves we would never see our kids in our new home.

Kids' Play Room

Nope! In fact, they hang out with us more than when we lived in Widney Loft! The kids seek us out to spend time together. It could be cuddling with me on the sofa while I watch a classic movie or playing their iPods while J is on his laptop in the master suite. Not complaining! Just loving the family shift since moving to Widney Crib.

Master Sitting Room

Stacy Was Here

"Stacy Was Here"

Seems Stacy felt the need to leave her mark on the world. On a bathroom stall.

Reminds me of a line in one of my all time favorite movies "You've Got Mail" with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. In it, Kathleen, played by Meg, says "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small."

Personally, I have no desire to write my name on a bathroom wall to signify my existence. But I think that, on some level, most of us feel a need to signify that we existed. That somehow, our lives, regardless of how small, are valuable and matter. That we matter.

We all have our own way of making our lives count. Being a wife and mother is my main way of making my mark on this world. Training my children to be strong, knowledgeable and contributing members of society is my version of writing my name on a wall. Blogging, volunteering, my work are other ways I make my mark.

How do you make your mark on this world?

Trash Breakfast

Last week I saw a lady quickly reach into the trash, grab something and start to eat it. I was shocked. Then panicked.

I was stopped at the light right at the corner of my office building. I wanted to jump out of my car and tell the lady to go to the coffee shop in our building and ask for a meal. To tell them I'm parking but I would be in to pay for her meal.

But she moved down the street too fast. There were cars behind me and the street was too narrow for me to pull over. By the time I turned around she was gone. I wish I could have helped her. The images of that lady eating out of the trash will haunt me for years.

When I see situations like this I often think: "There but by the grace of God go I."

I Love Technology

I was meant to live in this age of technology. It makes me so happy to be able to turn off lights with my iPhone.

This Thing I Made

So....I did this little thing at work...I ummm...created a website.

Normally I don't talk about my work on here but I kinda like it. Feel free to go to the actual site at: www.daystarschool.org

I even took most of the pics throughout the site (but not the professional looking ones of kids like on the main screen - J did those and the complex graphics).

Chicken Abuse

I'm not a big animal person but even I think this is animal cruelty. These chickens are crammed in there eight rows tall, two rows deep per compartment with a total of 4 compartments! Yikes!!!!

Sun Allergy Effects

Our kiddos started summer day camp on Monday. We forgot Motor Mouth's sunscreen! That evening when we picked the kids up, The boy's sun allergy was in full force. He was itchy and in pain. Very uncomfortable.

The next morning, Motor Mouth's hands had swollen to 2x their normal size. He could not type or read. He couldn't button his shirt or brush his own teeth.

We were hesitant to take him to the doctor because they always say the same thing: Take over the counter pain meds and Benedryl. Our son was in so much pain we took him in. On the phone earlier, I actually told the nurse how frustrating a doctor visit is because that practice has done nothing for his sun allergy for five years.

The doctor was ready for us. He had researched the problem and had intelligent questions and viable options for us. Four doctors, two specialists and this was a first.

He asked if any fruit juices with red dyes had spilled on MM's hands. No. He asked if MM had eaten chips or salty foods. In fact, Monday morning I was solo parenting (J was out of town). Instead of defrosting the lunch bread, I burned it! We were going to be late so, for the first time in over 1.5 years, I bought my kids Lunchables. Guess what is high in sodium?! And a contributing factor to the swelling!!!

We did end up using an over the counter drug cocktail to get the H1 and H2 blockers because the combination made sense. I'm scheduling an immunologist appointment. Among other things, Motor Mouth needs to tested to see if he is a vampire. For real. Porphyria (sun allergy not madness) is attributed to vampires.

Motor Mouth was uncomfortable for two more days and his skin started blistering and has a very ugly red rash. But we are happy to report that the swelling has gone down. Motor Mouth is no longer in pain. He has full range if movement back in his arms. He has returned to talking non-stop and fighting with his sister.

Sharing Life

After 17 years, 7 months of being best friends and 13 years, 11 months of being married, I'm still most excited to be sharing life with my J.

That doesn't mean it's all been sunny skies and open roads. But after each pothole, sharp turn, flat tire, and icy overpass we have been through, I know J has my back and that we will make it through with a few dents, scratches, and some wear and tear, but ultimately it's nothing a coat of paint can't fix.

(Did I go overboard with the metaphors...?)

Move Update

This is a sneak peek at our master suite. J did this painting a few years ago and it really stands out in this new space.

We have a couple more furniture pieces to move around, finish painting the ceiling in the bedroom area of our master suite, and hang some curtains.

Then there is the task of finally unpacking the rest of our shoes, clothes, books, toys, electronics, etc. I'm hoping to have the kids' playroom unpacked by Monday morning.

J still has a few decorative projects for us to tackle. I'm pretty excited about them. We have been teaming up again on these tasks and it has been fun.

I am ready to have the laundry room and garage wide open and free of boxes and furniture. So very ready.

Finger X-Ray

I should have posted this already. It's my broken finger. See the v-shaped line towards the tip? That's the break.

When it happened, there was so much blood and it was so incredibly painful. I thought I would need stitches. At the ER I felt like a baby but it really hurt a LOT. And even more when my heart would beat.

I was shocked when they told me it was broken. Shocked and relieved. It justified the pain and the ER visit....

Photo Bomb

I was trying to take a pic of the living/dining room when someone ran past on his way to bed...

TV Viewing

That's Mini Me watching TV.
Looks pretty...comfy...?

Finger Update

Look! I can bend all of my fingers into a fist without pain!!! The road to recovery is paved with many little victories.

I pretty much only wear the splint when I'm working on our house or cleaning. Otherwise I wear a bandaid to protect my fingernail from getting snagged on something and ripping off in a painful, bloodied mess.

At work, I've been trying to type with my broken finger. It's a form if therapy the doctor said. I'm not allowed to do jujitsu. That's unfortunate cause I'm such a fan of the discipline.

The tip is still numb and bruised. It hurts if pressed. The nail looks gruesome but better. My nail bed is growing nicely. It will take 6 months to a year to fully recover my nail. Who knew???!!!

I'm thankful for a speedy healing. I am thankful that I did not lose the tip. I'm thankful it's not worse.

Black Closet - Black Master Closet

Our master closet is black! It looks so chic and was so easy and inexpensive. All that's missing (aside from the clothes and shoes) is an ottoman. We are on the hunt!

Materials:
- can of matte paint ($20-30)
- dark gray carpet ($25)
- 3 Ikea chandeliers ($20/each)
- curtain is just fabric pooled ($2.99/yard x 6)
- do it yourself dark gray closet organizer from Home Depot

How We Did It:
We painted the walls and ceiling black.
The Ikea chandeliers are 5 years old and were repurposed from our kitchen island lighting from our old loft. They are hung using a track which enables you to use your existing light socket.

We actually do have a window in our closet that needed to be covered up. We used a pipe as the curtain rod. You can sew a pocket for the rod or just use straight pins.

Shelving system is from Home Depot. I love the gray instead of stark white wire shelving. Not shown: Lower rack for pants, more built-ins for purses, sweaters, etc. Just pick and choose what is right for your space.

This project can easily be completed in a weekend.

Awards Galore!

My son was presented with these in the last month!!! He is missing TEN medals that Chicago Park District never sent to the kids that won the City Championship swim meets!

For the record, I'm pretty jealous of my son.

Master Bath Spa

It's finally done! It's finally done! I can hardly wait to try out our new master bath!

The white towels give our master bad a spa feel.

2 Weeks Later

You've come a long way, Baby!

Motor Mouth Swimmer Boy

Motor Mouth competed in the Joliet Dr. Pepper Swim Meet this weekend. When the kids won a heat or trophy they received a can of Dr. Pepper 10. LoL!

This was a three-day meet. Neither J nor I could be at the Friday portion so we are very thankful to King for being there for our son, videoing the race for us to see, and bringing him to me. We don't have blood family in Chicago but our friends, like King, are our family and make a difference in our lives and the lives of our children.


Motor Mouth swims 5-6 days/week, does push ups, crunches, running, and watches what he eats. He gets his homework done and sacrifices play time to swim for two hours a day. He is even doing better academically this year than any other year.

Motor Mouth decided in September that he wanted to be top in the Chicago Park District. He worked hard and accomplished his goal as a 9-year old competing against 9&10 year olds. Motor Mouth sets his goals and we make it possible for him to work on attaining his goals.

Dream Team - 1st Place in Relay

This spring, Motor Mouth tried out and made a local USA Swimming team. This means he can compete at a higher level that could lead to the Olympics which is good because Motor Mouth wants to be a marine biologist and a famous swimmer when he gets older. His goals!

At his first meet with this team last month, Motor Mouth made Regional times in all six of his events. This meet, he bettered those times and I have to tell you that I teared up when he made his second State time this weekend. Pretty proud of my hard-working boy!

The Right Stuff!

Swimming is as much an individual sport as it is a team sport. Motor Mouth and his friends competed together on a relay team. They placed 1st in the Boys 10&Under freestyle relay.

The most important thing is that he had a great time with his friends! He loves the water and loves hanging out with the other boys between races. They are so caring and great to each other. All the parents love to watch it.

I LOVE this photo of the boys walking together after winning the relay race. They all worked hard to make it happen. They look so grown up and confident and happy. They are all focused on their coach. This little Dream Team helped their team win the first place trophy for overall meet winner!!!

Overall Meet Winners!

Speaking of trophies...Motor Mouth won 3rd Place Overall Meet Points for Boys 10&Under!!! Here he is with one of his best friends - who won the 1st Place trophy in the same category! We didn't even know. We had walked out of the pool area when his friend came and told us. So unexpected. So awesome!

Overall, this was a great meet weekend for Motor Mouth.

Baby Girl

My baby girl is growing up!!!

Sneak Peek!

Our master bath is almost ready to be inhabited! I can hardly wait!!! Yet I am paralyzed by the amount of work to make the area inhabitable. Work that was not going to be an issue before I broke my finger. Or before Memorial Day when it was all supposed to be done and we had a three day weekend.

There is so much construction dust that I think we need a shop vac and two weeks to get it cleaned. We don't have two weeks! House guests arrive in 12 days!!!

After the dust clears - literally - we need to move four rooms of furniture, boxes and clothes. It will be so nice once it is done though. The kids will finally have their playroom set up and their toys and books back! Our laundry room and garage will be free boxes and furniture. Finally.

Sneak Peek!
You'll have to wait to see the shower, second vanity and master closet. J designed the tile placement. It's a really cool 12x24 tile mixed with a few pieces of 12x12 tile.