Restroom Refuge

I read a blog post about a parent that found out her kindergarten aged son was having problems in school due to a newly diagnosed anxiety disorder. At some point in her story, she was locked in her bathroom with her laptop and wine when her daughter came racing in to tell her that the son was choking to death (under the father's supervision). For clarity, her bathroom has a vanity desk so she's not balancing her laptop on her lap while... And the boy was fine. So fine, he was able to clearly vocalize his fact.

The following comment was made: "I dunno, I'm not a parent, but if you're locking yourself in the bathroom with wine, for any reason, for any length of time, while a member of your family has just nearly choked, I'd say that in lay person's terms your family dynamic is just a bit stuffed. No wonder the kid is anxious."

To which I commented: "Trust me, as a parent, sometimes the only sanity we can get is to lock ourselves in our bathrooms with wine and let our families sort themselves out through natural selection or some other means by which we are able to have just a few moments of rational, adult, non-child, family or partner directed thought."

There are times when I literally lock myself in one of our three bathrooms and, well, hideout from my kids and husband. I'm sure when my kids get older they will laugh and make fun of how long Mom used to sit on the toilet!!! I'll be the first to admit that my legs have gone numb, revived and gone numb again. I have asked the kids: "Do I harass you when you are trying to poop?" Sometimes, I didn't even poop. I was just in the need of a quiet room in which to sit where interruptions were frowned upon. Often with the light off. Usually with my iPhone. It's my only chance at sanity before the kids' bedtime.

So, single people with no children, don't judge us parents. We do the best we can at the moment. Not every parenting moment is a shining star moment but it is what we can manage. Don't judge us for needing to slip away from our children for 10, 20, or 60 minutes. Some days we need a few minutes to recharge and get a fresh perspective. Or at the very least, a better attitude.

(Photo credit: www.beforeitsnews.com)

Blow Dry

I cut my hair cut the other day. I had her blow dry it. Seems I caused quite a stir everywhere I went as most people have not seen me with straight hair in years. Sigh.

How To Be Friends With Your Ex

As soon as couples break up, one of them always says: "Can we still be friends?" And the other person thinks: "Hell no." But says: "Yeah. Sure."

It IS possible to have a long-lasting, mutually enjoyable relationship with your ex. I am happy to say that I have managed to remain friends with almost all of my exes.

One of the main keys to remaining friends with your ex is to:

END THE RELATIONSHIP WELL.

Don't think that you can cuss someone out and tell them all about how horrible they are, show up at their job, call their friends or family, toss their stuff, act all crazy, and then turnaround and be besties next week. Be gracious during a break up, whether you do the breaking or not.

What SHOULD you do after a break up? Here's a few pointers...

1. Calm Your Inner Crazy
That means you don't act crazy and mean and hateful during or after the breakup. Don't rip up or toss their stuff don't withhold their stuff. Dont tear up or burn your pics together. Don't stalk them. Don't stalk their social media. Basically, do NOT go Lifetime movie on them.

2. Go Silent
Give each other time and space. That means that you don't text, email, write letters, or call your ex a bunch of times after the breakup. Stop finding excuses to connect.

3. Grieve
There are five stages of grief:
- denial and isolation
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- anger
I think there is one more stage not included in this list: Forgiveness. You might be going through all stages in one day. Or it could take months. Give yourself and your ex time.

4. Get Busy
Women, this is your time to reconnect with your friends you didn't have time for when you were consumed in love with your man. It's also a great time to take a class or join a gym like you've been wanting to but never had time to.

When women break up, they cry in their Ben & Jerry's for a month. When guys break up, they call their guy friends and are out looking for women the next day! Whether you are crying in your Ben and Jerry's or hooking up with Ben and Jerry or Karen and Kelly, get out there and live your best life!!! And use protection.

5. We Have Children
If you have children together you will be in each other's lives for the rest of your lives. For the best interest of your children, you MUST develop a civil, open, honest relationship with your co-parent. I'm not saying you have to be their friend. I'm saying that you must get to a point where you can talk to your co-parent without yelling, without getting emotional, without jumping right back into old communication patterns. I'm saying that you have to stop referring to your ex by a derogatory name/term with your friends and family. Trust me, your kids are hearing that. Lay the ground work with your new partners immediately - they are not permitted to bash your ex. That's your prerogative only. Also, tell your new partners that your ex is YOUR ex and that because you have a child(ren) with this person, it is important for you to treat your ex with RESPECT and that your new partner should not confuse respect for love or a desire to rekindle anything. Keep ALL communication with your ex about your child(ren). You have nothing to talk about other than your child(ren)'s medical, educational, emotional, educational, spiritual needs. Not the leaky roof, not the car, not your mutual friends, not the past.

WHEN DO WE GET TO THE FRIENDS PART?

In maybe six months or a year or more, touch base and see how they are doing. Regardless of who breaks up with whom, the end of a relationship is a loss. There is a grieving process. One party may have started that process before the relationship officially ended. Either way, time is needed to heal the wounds from that relationship and to MOVE ON. This is not a "how to get my ex back" post. This is how to MOVE ON and start a NEW friendship with a former love.

Respect
You also need to respect that some people do not ever want a friendship with an ex. And be honest. Was your relationship based on sex? If so, there may have never actually been a relationship in the first place. In that case, move on because there wasn't a base of friendship to start.

Motives
Examine your motives for a friendship. Are you trying to get back together? Keep tabs on them? Are you trying to make sure those months or years together were not wasted or get answers? You may never get closure or the answers you want to hear. Are you trying to get a booty call?

What to Say
When you do touch base, keep it light. Don't walk down memory lane or rehash old wounds at first, if ever. Talk about the current. Take it slow. Talk about the things you like in common. Be genuinely happy for the other person if they are in a relationship. Respect that relationship and back off if necessary.

Move Forward
The key to being friends with your ex is to move forward. Don't live in the past. Don't expect to rekindle old love. Respect each other's new life. Remember that remaining friends is a bonus.

Booty Calls
A final word about booty calls. If you truly want to be friends with your ex then the booty calls cannot happen. Just don't go there. Keep the conversation clean. Stay away from any comments, touching, locations that might cause intimacy. Booty calls plus friends are just a recipe for disaster. And by disaster, I mean pain for one or both of you. It will not end well. 

The Economy of Marriage

Each marriage has it's own economy and no one outside that marriage fully understands what that economy is. It is an economy unique to that specific relationship. It is an economy that works only for that couple.

When I refer to no one outside the marriage fully understanding, I refer to parents, best friends, children, siblings, co-workers, lovers, etc. Only the couple understands the nuances of the marriage economy and how it is structured.

Ever wonder how it is that so many people cheat but never leave their spouse? It's the economy of marriage. The cheater is in that marriage for a solid reason that is working for them. The cheater is going to stay in that marriage as long the economies of that marriage are still functional. Doesn't matter how sweet the cash on the side is. The economy of that marriage often prevails.

Ever wonder why someone stays in a marriage that is not working from the outside looking in? The economy of that marriage is still working internally for that couple. Bill and Hilary. Why hasn't she left him? The economy of their marriage is working for them. Wolf of Wall Street. DiCaprio's second wife could manipulate him because she knew the power she had over him.

It's like any economy. It could be robust and lush with cash. Side deals may be going on. Some marriages are like savings accounts where you keep putting in but never take out. Or you have that goodwill saved up so when the rainy day hits, you have reserves to pull you through.

Most marriages start out with a big cash inflow into the economy. That's the joys of dating and new love. Then the icky life stuff happens. It leaves some marriages living paycheck to paycheck (week to week), some marriages are overdrawn but they keep plugging at it.

Some marriages do go bankrupt. Sometimes, like a financial bankruptcy, it could give the couple a fresh, new start. Or, it could ruin the marriage completely. An affair or crisis, like infertility, can either make or break the bank. If it makes it, there was probably some shuffling and reorganization of assets going on.

And there are those marriages that run on credit with HIGH interest. You know the ones. One spouse seems to be running the show and you have no idea why. Perhaps the one spouse has something on the other and uses it for control.

Whatever the economy of a marriage, outsiders are seldom, if ever privy to the source of the economy. Every relationship has an economy. What are some of the sources marriage economies?

Secrets.
Children.
Affairs.
Finances.
Innocence.
Kindness.
Emotional.
Guilt.
Fear.

I could go on and on but you get it. In each marriage there is some sort of economy that keeps that couple together. Or tears them apart eventually.

Think about it. What is the economy of your relationship?


Photo credit: http://m.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Family/2008/1117/p17s01-lifp.html

He Likes Me!

Wilson snuggled in on me. I think he likes me......!