Birth Family - Broken Heart

In the writing of this entry, it morphed into a short, 

3-part series.

Please come back for the rest!

Part 1

Birth Family - Broken Heart

I love Motor Mouth's birth mother, KK. 

But I can count on 1 hand how many times I have seen her in the last 2 calendar years. This breaks my heart. I miss her. She became a part of me and that part is missing. 

At first, I thought open adoption was a crazy idea. I was only into the idea of an open adoption because it was the best thing for our child. The research said he would have less rejection issues and know that he was loved so much by his birth mom (BM).  But I wasn't so thrilled at the time required on my part to build a relationship with the BM. I don't have a lot of girly friend time so that was a scary prospect for me.

Then we met KK. She had no parents. She was so sweet and so smart and so young. Our relationship was more about her than the baby. As he got older, she began to interact with him more. It's easier when the child can talk and reciprocate. 

KK slept at our home. She came to family dinners and was a part of our family. Were things 100% perfect? No. Are any of your relationships 100% perfect? But we loved each other and got along really well. KK is blonde with green eyes. We got a kick out of telling people I was her aunt. It was easier among her peers and allowed me access to her in medical situations. Did I mention how smart and funny she is?

Have you ever met someone that you want to take under your wing and hold and tell them you love them. Bring them into your home to live and make it all right for them? But I can't. As the adoptive mom, I can't do that. I have to let her live her life. I can't protect her from everything. I have to be a mother to Motor Mouth and can't be a mother to KK as well.

Things started to really change in January 2006. KK went off the radar. I managed to track her down in April. We had a few visits. 

2007 was quite a year for her and I just had to sit back and wait. The hardest part is not getting a phone call on Motor Mouth's birthday. I know she knows the day. I know she loves him. I hurt for Motor Mouth when she is not there on his birthday. I think I am most scared that if she doesn't call him or see him now, it could set a pattern and when he is older and it matters, she won't be there. 

We got to see KK in April, at our going away party. It was wonderful to see her again and to spend time with her. Why do I love this girl so much? She is our hero. KK loved her son so much, she made the difficult decision to live apart from him. KK loved her son so much, she took time to study 4 life books, meet with 3 couples, and chose 1. Then, she loved her son so much, she walked out of the hospital, empty-handed, after laboring for over 14 hours. She loved her son so much, she stood before a judge and told her she believed in her decision and thought we would be the best parents for her son. How could we not love that girl? How could we not think she is our hero?

Motor Mouth has some of KK's mannerisms. When he gets excited, he moves his hands in a distinctly KK manner. Sometimes, when I look at Motor Mouth's nose, I see KK's nose. She's a part of my son. A part of who he is.

And so, my heart breaks today because KK is not a vital part of our lives. In our previous relationship with KK, she would have visited us in Chicago at least once already. She would have been at J's family home for Christmas. I miss KK. 

Part 2: Birth Family - I Like Prison

Part 3: Birth Family - A Whole New Family