It Doesn't Matter

There are some things that I am sure of. I am sure that nothing I do really matters if I am fat. It doesn't matter what I have done for others, what I have accomplished, what sort of difference I make in people's lives if I am fat. How am I so sure of this? Because for the last 35 years, this is the message I have been given. It is the message that has been repeated by numerous people who love me so I know it must be truth.

It hurts me that nothing I have done for others in my life matters, only the fat matters. I started volunteering when I was 10 years old and for over 30 years, I have helped the elderly, hospital patients, had a Little Sister, taught Sunday School, worked to fight against impaired driving, helped young women facing crisis pregnancies, was a youth and young adult leader, have served on numerous boards and committees, held officer positions on non-profit boards, have spoken at workshops, and counseled young women. 

I have helped to organize picnics for over 2,000 people and plan volunteer banquets for over 800 people. I have chaired banquets that raised over $100,000 for charities, assisted in other fundraising that has raised over $500,000 for schools and other organizations.

My blog reaches countless women and couples facing infertility and adoption. I have served on an adoption coalition to help make a difference in adoption laws, have planned fun, family events that have brought joy to children and parents in 2 states and in Canada. I regularly answer adoption questions and am a resource women seek out when they are infertile and/or seeking to adopt. 

It doesn't make a difference that I have helped people and made a positive and meaningful difference in the lives of others. All that matters is that I am fat. 

When I worked as a computer consultant for a major international retailer, IBM said the country-wide, bilingual system installation project I managed was the most successful in North America. In Oklahoma, I went from being a part-time call center agent to executive staff as a corporate project manager. At one point, numerous directors were arguing over who could have me on their team. I spearheaded the at home contractor project, taking it from zero to the successful and sustained program vital to the company it is today.

Last year, as a recruiter, I increased the number of tution-paying students by 35% in a recession. I was not even hired as a recruiter. I'm damn good at whatever I do. But that does not matter. All that matters is that I am fat. 

I remember being told I was fat when I was 6 years old. I do not remember a time when I was ever told that I was beautiful just being me. In putting together the pictures for my parents wedding anniversary, I saw lots of photos of myself. I didn't see a fat person. I didn't see this fat teenager or young woman that everyone said I was.

What I did see was a beautiful, slim girl that wore clothes 2 sizes too big because she thought she was fat. I saw a girl that never enjoyed her weight appropriate body because no one who loved her told her she had a nice body or nice shape. 

In recent years, people have told me that because I'm so fat, I'm at risk of a heart attack. I can't tell you how many times I have wished I would just die of a heart attack already. Maybe one day soon. Because truly, I have lived a life that didn't matter. Because now, I actually am fat.